seventeen

 Oh Bryce,

How can you possibly be 17 already? My little sidekick from day one (until the day I  dropped you off at daycare just before you turned 3 and you didn't think I was coming back). You have always been an old soul in a young body with the biggest heart to match. This year has brought a whole bag of emotions...so much joy and pride at your sophomore wrestling season, after such a tough freshman year. You finished your season at state just like you worked for. While you didn't do as well as you wanted...I can tell you your dad and I couldn't be prouder of the way you wrestled and the way you represented yourself and all of us. Golf season didn't end the way you guys hoped and worked for, but I know it is pushing you to work harder and I know you have your sights set on state this season, and I believe you can achieve that goal. All of your athletic accomplishments of course make me so very proud, but nothing makes me prouder than watching the love and compassion you already had grow this year. You have grown so much as a person, putting me and your dad above yourself and caring for all of those around you even if you are hurting yourself. You lead by example and while you stay focused on your goals you appreciate the journey and those who are helping you get there. Watching you give back to the wrestling program that has given you so much brings me so much joy, and I have no doubt the time you spend with those kids means a whole lot more to them than you realize. I know your wings are ready to fly (somewhere warmer where golf is a year round activity) but gosh I want to pause time and keep you close just a little longer than the year and a half I have left. You can bet I'm going to hug a little longer, ask a few more questions (I'll probably even go over my limit a time or two) and soak up every moment I can. I can't wait to see what comes next for you, keep being you and don't let this harsh world harden your heart, it is one of the very best things about you. Here's to the 2nd to last birthday with no cake! 

Love you forever and ever,

mom

sixteen

 16...just like that. To say 15 wasn't easy would be an understatement. The last year has been filled with lots of challenges and things didn't go at all like the way you wanted them to.  A part of me  wishes so much that I could have protected and saved you from the heartache you felt, but the larger part of me is just so incredibly proud of the way you handled yourself, the maturity you showed and the drive you had to pick yourself back up and continue on.  Life hasn't slowed down much you are still busy with wrestling, golf, and baseball and now I'm sure we'll see even less of you after you get your license today. I love that you spend some of your free time helping out the youth wrestlers in the area, passing on your love of the sport. Watching your relationship with your sister change this last year has brought me immense joy. You two still fight like crazy, but the love and respect you have for each other shines through even in the midst of the bickering. I know without a doubt you will always have each others backs and there isn't much else a mom could ask for.  You are one of the kindest and strongest people I know. You don't always show what a big heart you have, but when you do, the people around you know that you will always have their back. Dad and I are truly so very proud of you. You don't always get it all right, but you are quick to apologize when you get it wrong and you work to be better and do better. My wish for you this next trip around the sun is that you laugh and smile more, worry less, and enjoy the ride. Keep working hard and just being you...you are exactly who this world (and our family) needs.  Drive safely, your mom will never stop worrying about you (or checking your location).

Happy 16th Buddy, we love you more than words can say.

Love always,

Mom

fifteen

 Dear Bryce,

15 today...I have no words. (OK that's a lie, you know I have lots of words, but damn it is hard to put them into something that makes sense, but you know I'm going to try). This past year has not been the easiest, you've battled injuries and setbacks that have taken their toll, but I have watched you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and forge ahead more determined than ever to reach your goals. I have never met anyone more determined than you. When you set your mind to something, there is no stopping you. You work hard at absolutely everything you do, and it is so amazing to watch you push yourself to new heights. I can't believe you are in high school, and wrestling your first varsity matches the last couple of days. I know you have been waiting for that day for a long time so it filled me with so much joy to watch you out there doing what you love and leaving no doubt that you belong on that mat. I'm so excited to see what the rest of your freshman year has in store for you, to watch you continue to wrestle, play high school golf and to play baseball again this summer, you have so much to look forward to and so much more fun to be had. Keep your intensity and focus but remember to have some fun along the way.  Dad and I are so proud of you, your work ethic and your heart. Hope 15 is all you wish for, you deserve nothing less. Happy Birthday Bryce, we love you so damn much (even though you make us crazy 90% of the time😜)!

eighteen

 Dear B,

How the hell are we here? When I started these letters on your first birthday eighteen was so far away, I wasn't even sure I would continue to write these...I always have good intentions, but my follow through is always lacking a bit. I truly am at a loss for words. Watching you grow and change over the last 18 years has been one of the biggest honors of my life. I'm so damn proud of you...your determination, your work ethic, your heart...you are really just one of a kind. It is unbelievable to me that you are starting your senior year, looking at colleges and planning for what I know will be an amazing future. It all is just happening a little too fast for me. (I know I still have one more year of you at home but as fast as the last eighteen years have gone, this next is going to go at warp speed) I'm going to miss hearing your voice (even your whining a tiny bit), listening to your ridiculous stories that seemingly have no point, watching you be an absolute dork when you are overtired, hearing your laugh and even seeing you roll your eyes every single day. I still expect our daily wordle and the vast amounts of tiktoks shared, but it definitely won't be the same without us giggling at the fact that every time you send a tiktok dad says "I want that time back!" (the man just doesn't appreciate our humor). I'm so excited to see what happens in this next year...a year that will be filled with so many lasts...but then so many firsts. If you see me tearing up at random times over the next year just know that the tears, while are certainly because of sadness, are mostly due to joy and pride. You have navigated the last 18 years with so much grace, determination and caring and I have no doubt you will do the same in the next 18. I love you so damn much. 

Happy 18th sweet girl, may this be a year filled with happiness and beautiful memories, you deserve nothing less. 

Love always,

mom

fourteen

 Dear Bryce,

I honestly don't know how we got here so quickly. It seems impossible that you are 14 already, I can't even wrap my brain around it. Quite frankly, you've always been an old soul in a little kids body, you (generally) act much older than you are and have been able to have a conversation with literally anyone since the time you were very young, but now you're not such a kid anymore. You have an intensity and drive, when it comes to things you love, that is admirable. You put your whole heart and soul into what you do (minus maybe your school work or household chores😜) and it is so very fun to watch you do the things you love. This week has not been the best for you...being sick the last 7+ days and missing out on wrestling meets has been really hard for you, but I have a feeling it will drive you to make up for lost time and you'll be back to your old self in no time. It blows my mind that you are getting your permit soon...too bad the DMV isn't open on Saturdays, the thought of you driving is equal parts terrifying and exciting, it unlocks a whole new set of worries for me and moves you a step closer to not needing your dad and I as much. We've still got some time before you can drive alone...but it is looming ever closer. From the moment you decided to come 4 weeks early, you have done things in your own time and in your own way. You have to find your own path and figure things out yourself, even if someone can point you in the right direction. I know someday this will be such a benefit to you and that you'll find a balance of taking advice and finding your own way. This year has not been easy, we've butted heads more time than I care to admit, but through it all I love you even more than I did that day you came into my life and I am so damn proud of the man you are becoming. Keep being you, kid...your future is so very bright. I love you more than words. I hope you have the best birthday and year ahead. I can't wait to see what come next.

Love you always, 

Mom

seventeen

 Dear B,

I can't believe we've arrived at this point already, both at your birthday (because wasn't it just your birthday) and the fact that you are 17. I swear you were just 6 and getting ready to start kindergarten and here you are, ready to start your junior year and spending half your day at the community college taking classes. It's so cliché but honestly, where did the time go? While focusing on and enjoying (mostly)the day to day the years just slipped past and you have grown into this beautiful, talented, hardworking, stubborn kind woman. It is hard to imagine this house without you in it every single day (good thing I have another 2 years to adjust) because honestly, 95% of the time I just love being around you, chatting and laughing about nothing, having your dad look at us like we've lost our minds when we're overtired and giggling about the dumbest things. You are absolutely the best parts of me and your dad. I cannot even begin to explain to you how in awe of you I am, by the things you do and the way you carry yourself. You are going to move mountains my sweet girl. Seventeen years ago you changed my life immeasurably and you have continued to change it every day since. You make my world, THIS world better. Keep being unapologetically yourself and sharing your heart with the world, it needs more strong and confident women. I wish I could give you a world that was better and safer...but I am confident you will navigate it with strength and grace, regardless of the situation. To say I am proud of you is such an understatement and I'm excited to see what this next year brings. I love you more than you can possibly imagine. Have the best day my sweet girl.

Love always,

Mom

thirteen...

 My Sweet Bryce,

How in the world are you 13 today? It just doesn't seem possible, I swear it was just yesterday that I was seeing your sweet face for the very first time and holding your tiny little 5lb 7oz body in my arms and wondering how I would ever be able to love you more than I did in that moment. Funny enough, as much as I loved you then (and it was a lot) it is no where near close to as much as I love you now. How do I even put into words this last year? It hasn't always been easy...trying to find a "new normal" amidst all of the craziness of covid and just life in general, but we're trying...day by day and we're getting there. You are not a kid who enjoys idle time. You need to be going, busy and around people. (You definitely didn't get this trait from me...there aren't many people who enjoy NOT being around people as much as I do 😁) Sports still are a major part of your life...we are in the thick of wrestling season, but you're also playing jr. high basketball this year so I'm excited to see how that goes for you. I know it will not ever take the place of wrestling, so I'm just enjoying your little 2 year jaunt into this sport before high school hits and wrestling takes over the winter. Baseball, football and golf are still staples in your day to day, it has been so fun watching you compete for your school teams this year. We have been busy but you know we don't mind. Watching you do things that make you happy makes me happy. Last night as you snuggled up by me to watch a movie it hit me how you aren't a little boy anymore. You are an incredibly handsome, smart, kind, hilarious and sweet young man and I couldn't be more proud of the person you are growing into. Some days I miss that little boy who was my sidekick for the first three years of his life, but the person that little boy has changed into is pretty damn great too. I hope you have the best year yet and I hope you always know I love you with my whole heart. 

Happy 13th Bryce!

Love you always and forever,

Mom.

sixteen...

 Dear B,

I truly cannot believe you turn 16 today. In so many ways it feels like just yesterday you made your way into this world and changed our lives forever. I was totally unprepared that day and I am equally as unprepared for this day and this new chapter of your life. I'm so excited for you and your new found freedom and independence but it is also a little sad for me...because even though I sometimes complain about shuttling you back and forth to practice, lessons, and appointments, I always secretly cherished those times where we would talk on those drives back and forth. Somedays they were tough conversations and tears, others just light hearted chats and laughs but one thing you could always count on was lots of off-key singing. This last year has had some ups and downs. Navigating your first year of high school along with all of the challenges of the pandemic certainly didn't make things easy, but in true B fashion...you made the best of it. You challenged yourself to try new things and step out of your comfort zone, and you discovered you loved speech and the spring musical (I won't even tell you I told you so). This year also brought new softball teammates and coaches into your life and I saw your love of softball come back tenfold. Your confidence has soared. It was probably my favorite thing about this year, watching you out there on that field or in the dugout with your teammates brings me so much joy, because I know it brings you so much joy. I am constantly in awe of the person and woman you are becoming. You are already so certain of who you are and your zero tolerance for BS is something I greatly admire. I hope these are qualities that continue to strengthen in time and that you always are kind and give people the benefit of the doubt, but stand firm in what you believe. You, my beautiful girl, are one of a kind and this world is a much brighter place with you in it. I can't believe how quickly we got to this place where you can drive and are so close to leaving home, but here we are and I can only hope we've prepared you to make good choices and that you always know, no matter what, how much you are loved. I also hope that you'll occasionally still let me ride along to your practices with you so we can sing at the top of our lungs and laugh until we cry. I love you sweet girl, with my whole heart. Happy 16th, I hope it is the sweetest one yet.

Love you always and forever,

Mother Amber (aka Mom 😘)

twelve...

 Bryce,

Whew...this year has been a hard one. The year started out on a high note with you qualifying for AAU State Wrestling for the 2nd year in a row. It is always so much fun watching you compete. The season didn't end the way you wanted it to but you always worked hard and never gave up and we are so proud of you for always putting everything you have into everything you do. Shortly after the wrestling season was over "normal" life wasn't so normal anymore. This year has probably hit you the hardest...you are such a social person, always wanting to be on the go and with your friends and just around people in general. We tried to make the most of our family time, playing euchre and board games, but you just missed the normalcy of going  to school, going to practice, having baseball games. Thankfully you were able to golf in the DAJT and the PGA Junior League again this year. You had a great year and have improved so much, now if you just wouldn't be so hard on yourself. You and dad got out on the course as much as you could and as long as the weather would allow, it has been a saving grace this year. I know being shut down again, just as wrestling was getting started is so hard on you...you miss your friends and your coaches and just competing, but it will get better. Things will probably not be "normal" for a while, but I know you will do what you always do, keep moving on and pushing forward to come back better. Nothing ever keeps you down long, so I have no doubt that this will only make you stronger in the long run. Dad and I are so proud of the young man you are becoming...you have a huge, soft heart, a kind, gentle soul, wisdom beyond your years, a laugh and smile that can turn around any bad day and a determination that will always keep you moving forward. Happy 12th Birthday, Bryce...you are loved beyond measure. I hope all your wishes come true this year!

Love always,

Mom

fifteen...

My sweet B,

15! How is that even possible? (I know I'm so cliche and say this every year, but damn time is going so fast) Each year this letter gets harder and harder to write, not because I don't have lots to say but because it gets harder and harder to put into words what I want you to know. 

This year...wow how do you put this crazy cluster of a year into words? This last year started off with the hopes of so many exciting events and milestones and ended with quarantine and cancellation of so many things we had all been long looking forward to. You have made the best of these disappointments (maybe even better than I did) but it was hard to not be able to finish out the school year with your graduation and all the fun that was supposed to come with that. Spring softball also didn't happen and it was heartbreaking to not be able to play a final game (well, a final game that you were actually aware would be your final game) with your Thunder teammates who over the last three years have become family. Even though the spring was filled with uncertainty and disappointment, you...in true B fashion made the best of it. You helped (ok spearheaded) the cleaning and purging of almost every room in this house, we played lots of family games and had many movie nights, we tried to make the best of the time we had together (and it was a LOT of time). Thankfully you were able to play your first year of high school softball. While it was a shortened season, it made my heart happy to see you out on that field doing what you love and having a little bit of normalcy back in all of our lives. 

So here we are, coming to the end of summer and the start of a new school year only a week and a half away. Things are still not "normal",  we are heading into this with lots of uncertainty, everything changes almost daily. In a time where what we crave is some structure...there is none, we have to be able to roll with the punches and be flexible. Good thing you are pretty good at that. You handle changes with a grace well beyond your years, you show appreciation for the little things and a kindness that makes this mama so proud. 

So, as you head into this next year, I hope you continue to make the world a better place with your smile, silliness and kind, loving heart. I hope you continue to work hard through all the bumps and disappointments, as dad always says "your hard work may not pay off in the way you want or expect it to, but it will always pay off". I hope your year is filled with laughter and fun memories, even though things may not look the way you thought they would this year. I hope you continue to be exactly who you are. You make us so damn proud all the time. 

15 years ago you forever changed me for the better. You are one of the greatest joys of my life. I love you more than words can say.

Happy Birthday Sweet B.

Love always,

Mother Amber 😉

the one where he turns eleven...

Dear Bryce,
What a year it has been buddy! You started the year by reaching your goal of qualifying for the AAU State Wrestling tournament. It was so fun to watch you that day. When you realized you were going to place and go to state, you crawled up on my lap and whispered "mom...I'm going to state" You were so happy and proud to have your hard work pay off, that moment was definitely one of the highlights of my year. You continued to work hard and finally state weekend was here. You went out and wrestled hard and made it to Sunday...you were going to place at the state tournament! Getting there was always the goal, placing was absolutely the icing on the cake. After wrestling season wrapped up (as much as it ever really wraps up), baseball and golf took over. Between the two you had a very busy spring and summer (and so did we), then it was on to football and soccer and now we're back to wrestling. As crazy and hectic as our lives are, I wouldn't trade a second of it. Watching you and your sister do the things you love brings me the greatest joy. You are kind and loving, stubborn and hilarious. You bring joy to every day of my life. While I do wish time would slow down a little, I can honestly say that I am so excited to continue to see the man you will become. I wish you the happiest of birthdays my sweet boy. I hope eleven brings you all the joy, love and laughter you deserve.
Happy 11th Birthday, Buddy. I love you more than you could possibly know.
Love always,
Mom

and just like that she is 14...

My Sweet Girl,
My intent when starting these letters was to write you one every year on your birthday until you were 18, and now sitting here writing this hours before your 14th birthday, I can't believe my letters to you are quickly coming to an end. I'm at a loss,  I don't know how to put my feelings about you and this year into words (don't worry...I'll still try).
B, you continually amaze me with your confidence and kindness. I've watched you over the last year become a strong leader and use your loud (so very loud) voice for words of  encouragement and love for your teammates. If it wasn't evident before this year (it was) softball is your passion. You love this sport and the people it has brought into your life with such a fierceness, it is inspiring. To find something you love at such a young age is something special. It is amazing to watch the way your face lights up when you play and when you are surrounded by your teammates. When you are on that field or in the dugout you are living your best life, and it is something that I will never tire of watching. I hope you always have that fire and passion, if not about softball  about something else you discover you love. While it feels like this is all happening too quickly, I don't really want time to slow down because I love seeing the woman you are becoming. Don't get me wrong, I miss the little snuggle bug that wanted to be by my side all the time, but there is an immense amount of joy that comes from watching you be independent and strong. Being your mom has filled a part of my heart I didn't know was empty. You are beautiful, funny, kind, loving and fiercely loyal and I can't believe you are mine. You are one of the greatest joys of my life...I am so blessed to be your mom.
Happy 14th, B...I love you beyond measure.

The Big 1-0

Dear Bryce,
As I sit here writing this in the hours before you turn 10, I am at a loss. How in the world did this happen so fast? It has been incredible to watch you grow and change into this independent, stubborn, loving boy (young man? what do I even call you now?) Your life centers around all things sports. When you're involved in something you jump in with both feet and immerse yourself in whatever you are doing. Always striving to be better than the day before, understanding that nothing is going to come easy, it only comes with hard work, determination and the drive to never give up. You make friends where ever you go. I'm pretty sure in every wrestling tournament you've been to you come away with at least one new friend and the next time you see them, you'll be at their mat cheering them on. You learned from a very young age that there is so much more to sports than winning and losing and it does my heart good to see you carry that with you as you grow (it is something that many adults have yet to learn). Now, that isn't to say you don't like to win or don't want to win, you absolutely do, but I really feel like you embody the saying "I never lose, I either win or I learn".  I  hope this 10th year brings you all the love, joy, laughter you deserve. You are the bright spot in every day and you are loved beyond measure. Happy 10th Birthday, Bryce. Hope it is the best day ever!
Love Always,
Mom

its official...we have a teenager...

My Sweet B,

How in the world are you 13 today?  It just doesn't seem possible that you are officially a teenager, and yet when I look back you've pretty much been a teenager since you were two. You. my sweet girl, always keep me guessing...I never quite know what is going to come out of your mouth, sometimes it is wise and thought provoking, but more likely than not it is some goofy off the wall comment, that makes you giggle. You never take yourself too seriously, you are quick to laugh at your mistakes and make fun of yourself, but you have a strong work ethic and can buckle down and get stuff done when you need to. I have watched you become a strong athlete and a valuable teammate this year. You are there to pick up your teammates when they are down, and in return they are there for you in the same way. It has always been my philosophy that you get what you give in terms of friendship, and judging by the incredible people you have surrounding you, I think you're doing pretty darn well kid, keep loving fiercely, your heart is one of the most beautiful things about you. You are thoughtful and kind beyond your years and in between the fights with your brother. the rolling eyes and the goofy giggles I catch glimpses of the woman you are becoming, and it makes my heart happy. Watching you grow into a strong, confident, kind and loving young lady is one of the greatest joys of my life. You keep doing  you kid, because you is pretty amazing. 

Happy 13th my beautiful. sweet Brianna. May this year be the best year yet, I'm so glad I'm along for the ride.
Love always,
Mom

nine...

Whew! What a busy day/weekend. The fact that I'm just sitting down to write your birthday letter at 9:30pm is just a small indication of how crazy it has been...well that and I just seem to find myself at a loss for words. When I look at you I still see that tiny peanut that couldn't wait another 4 weeks until his due date, that entered the world in his own time and on his own plan, which is pretty much the way you still operate. This last year has been so fun watching you grow and discover things you love. You had such a fun season of baseball and enjoyed spending time with all your teammates, they are such a great group of boys and I hope you continue to have such wonderful friends surrounding you. Your love of football grew leaps and bounds with your first year playing tackle. You are the smallest one out there, but you have a ton of heart and put your all into every minute you were out there playing. You had another successful soccer season, coming up just short in the championship game in a shootout. And of course wrestling is in full swing again....which you still love so much. You put so much time and work in and are trying to be a good role model for the younger kids. This season is starting out a little slow and I can see the frustration and disappointment, but you are using that to drive you to get better. You watch your videos and ask your coaches to help you figure out what you can do better. You make us so proud buddy. Just keep being the amazing kid you are. I can't wait to see what this year brings. I hope you had a great day...Dad and I love you so very much.
Happy Birthday Buddy!
Love always,
Mom

twelve...

Dear Brianna,
You'd think after 11 letters, the 12th one would be a piece of cake!  Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case as I sit here the night before you turn 12. At this time 12 years ago, I had no idea how my world would change in less than 24 hours. You surprised me then, by making your appearance 4 weeks early and you have continued to surprise me every day of these last 12 years. You my sweet girl are one of a kind. I'm pretty sure you giggle 20 hours out of the day, you are constantly laughing (a lot of the time at yourself)almost to the point of making us crazy! In all honesty, your laugh is one of my favorite sounds in the world. You love your friends and family fiercely and you put your heart into everything you do. You are stubborn, gosh are you stubborn (You get that from your dad😊) You will argue about everything, convinced  you are right, and even when you discover you are in fact wrong, you continue to state your case passionately, not wanting to give anyone (especially your brother) the satisfaction of proving you wrong. You bring so much joy to our lives and watching you grow up and become this amazingly confident, strong young women is one of the best things in my life. Twelve years ago tonight I had no idea how my life was about to change, I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart...it is absolutely more amazing then I ever could have imagined. Keep being the beautiful person you are my sweet girl, never let anyone dull your sparkle. You are amazing exactly the way you are.
Happy 12th Birthday my sweet girl. I love you more than you could possibly imagine.
Love always,
Mom

eight...

Dear Bryce,
Oh my sweet boy, how is it that today you are turning eight? This year has flown by at such a crazy pace. It seems like each year these letters get a little bit harder, I have so much I want to tell you but I can't seem to find the words. I hope it is because I tell you every day how much I love you and how proud I am of you, but in reality I think it is more because I am in awe of the person you are becoming. Life is busy running from place to place, spending more time in school gyms, baseball diamonds, soccer and football fields than I ever dreamed possible, but let me let you in on a little secret...there is absolutely no place in this world I'd rather be than sitting in the stands watching you play. Your love of everything life has to offer is infectious. You just love life and all the little things it provides and it does my heart so good to see your joy. You've had some disappointments this year, things didn't always go the way you wanted on the mat or field, but you held your head high, talked about what happened and tried to take away some good and learn from each disappointment. I know a lot of adults that can't do that (your mom included). Hold onto that. Keep learning from your losses and disappointments, use it to keep you driven and passionate. You know no matter what you do or where you go, whether you win or lose, dad and I will always be right there, cheering you on. We are your biggest fans and we are so excited to see what this next year has in store. Happy Birthday to you my sweet Bryce. May all your dreams come true.

Love always,
Mommy

eleven...

Can I just say, I'm in complete denial that you are eleven years old? When did that happen? One day you are this chubby little toddler who is making faces at me and I turn around and now you are this beautiful young lady who, well...is still making faces at me. 

This year has been one of growth for you. You are discovering that hard work pays off. Watching you put in the work pitching this year has brought us so much pride. Not because you struck every batter out (although you did get quite a few of them) but because you worked hard and were constantly trying to better yourself and most of all, you were always striving to be a good teammate. 

You have a huge heart and never want to see anyone left out or unhappy. There are so many things I love about you sweetie, but your big heart is one of my favorites. I hope you continue to love unconditionally and to put your whole heart into everything you do. I hope you never lose your confidence and that you always stay true to who you are. You are off to a great start sweetie. 

Watching you grow over the last eleven years has been one of the greatest joys of my life, and I truly cannot wait to see where you go from here. Happy Birthday my sweet girl. I love you more than you could possibly know and I am so proud of  you.

Love always,

mommy

16 days...

16 days...that is how long it has been since I saw her smile, gave her a kiss and told her I'd see her soon. 16 days...it might as well be 16,000. It feels like so long, and yet I know it isn't. I never would have dreamed that would be the last time I would see her and talk to her. 11 days...that is how long it has been since I got the call, the one I replay in my mind, still hoping and praying it was a bad dream, and yet I know it wasn't. 11 days later and I'm still processing, still wondering how life goes on without her. I only saw her about once a week and I didn't call her even close to as much as I should have, but I always knew she'd be there with a kind word and a smile when I needed her. She was such a staple in my life, it just doesn't even make sense to me that she is no longer physically here.
She was the sweetest lady, and she loved so fiercely. She had a way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the room. I am one of her 20 grandchildren, and lord knows there was room enough in her heart for all of us, she loved us all so very much and it was evident in everything that she did.
I told mom when we were talking about grandma moving into assisted living (which she wasn't entirely happy about) that I didn't care where grandma lived, I just wanted her to be here...I wasn't ready for her to be gone and neither were my kids. Less than 2 weeks later, she was gone...let me tell you, I wasn't any more ready.
I realize I'm luckier than most (even the majority of my cousins), she got to see me graduate high school and college, attended my wedding and was there to meet my children days after they were born. My children have been blessed with the time and ability to develop a loving and everlasting relationship with her, but it isn't enough. I wanted more time. More time to chat and laugh and shop and tell her I love her. I know that is selfish, because she had been in pain and missed Grandpa so much, but the world down here isn't as bright without her in it.
I'm so afraid of forgetting the sound of her voice and her laugh, afraid that the memories will fade, afraid of the day when it won't hurt as much, because I don't want to get used to life without her, even though I know I have to.
If I had one last chance to talk to her...I would say this...
Thank you! Thank you for showing me what love is, that marriage is hard work but can be as fun in the 50th year as it is in the 1st. That whether you have 1 child or 8 and 1 grandchild or 20 that there is always room in your heart for them all. That you don't have to be born into a family to be a part of the family...that there is always enough love. Thank you for teaching me compassion and understanding, but also to stand up for myself. Thank you for loving me. You are my role model in so many ways, there really are not enough words to say how much you mean to me and how deeply you will be missed.  I only hope that I can be half the mom, sister, friend, and someday grandma and great-grandma you have been. You have some big shoes to fill, but I will spend my life trying to make you proud.
I will miss you all the days of my life. Until we meet again one day, rest in peace in the loving arms of the man you have long been missing. (Give him a hug for me while you're at it!) I will love you forever.

seven...

My sweet boy,
As I sit here hours before your seventh birthday while you are fast asleep, I'm at a loss of what to say. These birthday posts get harder for me each year. There is so much I want to say but I just can't seem to find the words. You have grown and changed so much this past year. You have found a love of wrestling that quite honestly surprised me. I wasn't sure how you would like it, but you took to it so quickly and are always eager to learn. It definitely helped that you have some amazing young men that took you under their wing and have treated you like a little brother. Nothing makes a mom happier than for her child to have good kids as role models and you certainly have that. I feel like wrestling has taught you so much already, hard work, dedication, and teamwork, not to mention being a good sportsman. You had some amazing successes this year but you also had to learn to deal with disappointment, and while that was tough to see...you handled it all so well. You amaze me every single day. Beyond wrestling, you had so much fun playing baseball, soccer and football this year.  It always makes me smile at how you seem to be one of the smallest kids out there but you always play with so much heart. Your smile is contagious and you always seem to know when I need a hug or sweet word from you. You have the biggest heart my boy, and you are such a good friend. I know I'm just rambling at this point...so I'll just end this year's letter by saying...I am so so proud of you my sweet boy. You are the kindest, sweetest, most fun-loving kid I have ever met and I love you so very much. I hope you have the best 7th birthday and I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you.
Love you always and forever!
Love,
Mommy