jackson is one...

This little guy turns one today. It is hard to believe that he is one already. I can't wait to see him in a couple of weeks. Happy Birthday Jackson! We love you!

chick craft link...

I found it back!! To anyone interested...here is the link to the chicks we made the other day.
Duck Paper Plate Craft

finger painting...

I know, I know...3 posts in one day. But just wanted to share our craft project from today. (These are probably getting old, I promise not to post every single one). This project came from Sarah (Miss Claire's mommy) she said the Child Life group at the hospital did this with the kids during the winter and the kids loved it. It was pretty simple to do, only a few things needed.

Shaving cream, glue, and food coloring (optional...Sarah said when they did this at the hospital they left it white). I'm not sure of the exact ratio of shaving cream to glue. In all honesty I put some shaving cream into the container and then added a bunch of glue, there was no measuring on my part during this process.
I split ours into 4 different containers and had this:
I then let Brianna loose to paint on paper plates. Obviously you can use paper, but we always have an abundance of paper plates around here and always end up short on paper thanks to my little artist.














After all was said and done it was a little messy, but easy to clean up and Brianna had a blast, although she was less than thrilled with how dirty her hands were.

We had a great time and finger painting is good for those of us a little over the age of 3 as well :) Thanks again Sarah for sharing the great idea!!

state of our house...monday edition...

So, in the 5-6 hours the kids have been up, our living room has gone from picked up to this... It sure is Monday around here, we're all still in our pjs, the house looks like the above picture, the tv has been on far too long, Bryce just wants to be held, I haven't showered, we are just eating lunch...leftovers and oranges, yum yum. But, it has still been a good day so far because even in the middle of this mess there was still enough room for an impromptu ballet recital and plenty of smiles from the little man.














Oh Monday...what are we going to do with you?

sunday flowers...

Yes, I know it is Monday, but I didn't get a chance to post this yesterday. Brianna and I made another bouquet of flowers Saturday. I think these turned out much better, and all of the colors bring a smile to my face on this gloomy Monday. Have a great week everyone!

friday craft...

Yesterday Brianna and I made chicks. I found the idea on the internet (but I'm too lazy to look it up and link it right now), pretty easy, and we had all the supplies, paper plate, construction paper, yellow paint, googly eyes. You put the pieces together with a stapler, but maybe glue would work better and not be so obvious. Oh well it worked out. I made one for Bryce with his handprints as the tailfeathers (hence the reason we have two). Brianna is loving all of our craft time and LOVES to paint, it is fun letting her do these things without getting crazy about how messy she is being. This afternoon/evening we may be making some more egg carton flowers, she had a blast doing those. I also saw a craft for making flowers out of kid's handprints (I tried one with Bryce's handprint, but it may be too small to get the desired effect and I was rushing) so I'm sure we'll be trying that in the near future. And my friend Sarah just emailed me a few craft ideas that I'm anxious to try, especially painting with shaving cream and glue! Maybe that is a project for this week. If we get to it, I'll be sure to post pictures. Thanks Sarah and Holly for all of the ideas you've sent me, Brianna and I are really enjoying our time together while we do these things. Without further ado...our chicks from yesterday...

busy week...

We've had quite the week around here. First of all the weather has been georgous (well Monday and Tuesday at least). We spent tons of time outside those two days, it did us all some good. Monday we walked to the bank and Walmart and then I decided I needed a haircut so we walked across the street and saw Gina and got my haircut. By the time we walked home it was lunchtime so we ate and then headed back outside to play. We colored with chalk, Brianna rode her bike and ran around until Bob got home. It was fantastic. We saw some neighbors that were surprised to see that our family had grown. :)

Tuesday we played outside again, it was slightly windy so we didn't spend as much time outside (Bryce was not a big fan of the wind), but we painted in the driveway and did some bike riding. Tuesday night we had some company. My cousin Tina and her husband Randy were in town on some business so they came over for dinner (corned beef and green beer :)). It was so nice to see them. Yesterday Tina accompanied us to the mall where we walked around Brianna played for a little bit in the play area, then we met up with Randy for lunch, and they headed home and so did we. Brianna actually fell asleep on the way home from lunch and slept for a little bit after we got home, giving me a chance to do some work.
Today, Brianna and I made egg carton flowers and cookies. Last night we (Bob & I) went grocery shopping and he saw these cookies at Sam's (basically chocolate chip cookies that were sandwhiched together with frosting and rolled in sprinkles). So today, being the good wife that I am I made them :) I haven't baked in a while, and I actually love to be in the kitchen, so it was fun.
All-in-all, it has been a great week, it is amazing what some time outside and some sunshine can do to brighten my mood! Hope you are all having a great week. I'm looking forward to a weekend at home spending time with the family, no plans (for once :)) Hope you all enjoy your weekend. I've posted new pictures over at shutterfly, so feel free to check them out!
And just so you can see the little man...

Happy Birthday tomorrow to our little friend Samantha! 1 already...how crazy. We can't wait to see you in a few weeks.

sadness...

Today the Knox community lost one of it's most beloved. Coach Tim Heimann passed away this morning. As most of you know, Knox is near and dear to my heart and while I never had a personal relationship with Coach Heimann, I am filled with a tremendous sadness. I had him for a professor for one trimester and knew him through Bob and other close friends that he coached. One of his sons graduated in 2002 with us and I've never heard anyone say anything but good things about Coach Heimann. He is indeed a very special man. Knox will not be the same without him. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family at this most difficult time, he will truly be missed.

(The photo above was taken the night he coached his last game for the Prairie Fire, only a year ago. The world is losing too many good people to cancer, so if you can...I urge you to please go donate.)

book contest...

You know how much I love books and I especially love children's books. That said, the sweet ladies over at On My Bookshelf are giving away Llama Llama Misses Mama. So go on over there and enter, tell them I sent you (just kidding)!

thursday has started with a bang...

Yikes, today has not started well. First of all, it started too early. I know I shouldn't complain and most of you will hate me for this, but my kids sleep until at least 8am every morning, sometimes as late as 9. And yes, I have become accustom to this. I don't go to sleep until very late, so I enjoy the fact that my kids sleep late. Even when I was working outside of the home I didn't have to be at work until 9, so I very rarely got up before 7:30am. I'm generally not a morning person, I can get up and be productive, just do not talk to me, and I especially don't like being waken from a sound sleep by someone crying for no reason. At about 7:15 this morning Brianna comes in screaming and crying about how she wants to go downstairs and watch TV. Oh, hell no. Of course the dreaded snowball effect and Bryce wakes up. So, before we're usually up on most days, Bryce has been changed and fed, we've had breakfast and are quietly playing now. I have, have, HAVE to get some work done today. So I'm trying to shake off my bad mood and turn it into being productive. Plus I had an epiphany on how to arrange/organize our dvd collection and keep it organized, so that is exciting me to no end right now. So, there is our plan for the day, play, arrange/organize dvds, work, and hit the gym tonight in time to watch Grey's and Private Practice. Is it sad that I have to go to the gym to watch two of my favorite shows uninterrupted? The upside is that I work out for 2 hours while watching!
Happy Thursday everyone!

partially to blame for my funk...

OK, last post of the night, I swear.

I just wanted to expand on my other post a little on me being in a funk. I know all of the things I've listed in the previous post are contributing factors to my funk. However, one thing that always contributes to my funk...is my weight/body image. This weight from being pregnant is HORRIBLE. I'm frustrated and angry that it will not come off. I realize it has only been 3 months, but I am an expert on weight hanging around, and the longer it hangs around the harder it is to get rid of. It is amazing how much my body has changed (and not in a good way). I read a blog the other day that this mommy blogger posted a picture of her stomach. Uh, never in a million years would I do that. I admire her for having the strength and courage to do it, but not me. All of the weight from Bryce is in my stomach, which makes me 3 months after delivery look like I'm still pregnant. Frustrating.

I've made the conscious decision to not let this consume me. I have to be OK with my body as it is right now. It may never change. I have to be OK with that. I will never be completely satisfied with my body (who really is?). That is not to say that I will not continue to work out. I am still working out and trying to eat better, because I want to be healthy for myself and my family. But I refuse to let this define who I am any longer. I am more than the number on the scale and it is about time I start realizing that.
(But I will still never post a picture of my stomach on the internet! :))

my craft closet beginnings...

How coincidental that today I received a coupon in my inbox for Oriental Trading Company. I just placed my order for some googly eyes, pipe cleaners, paint, jewels, geometric foam shapes, monster foam shapes, etc. I always look at Oriental Trading Company and like some of their kits (especially for kids Brianna's age), BUT...I really don't need 12 of the same thing floating around here. Some of the stuff I got on sale, others I think are just a good deal (I hope so anyway). As long as I can keep it under control/organized I think it will be great. One of their craft kits I think I'm going to copy for Easter, so we'll see how that works...I'm sure there will be pictures. And speaking of pictures I really need to try to take more pictures of the kids. (If only there were like 5 more hours in the day, or I didn't need to sleep I might actually get everything that I want/need to get done done.)

I can't wait until our shipment of stuff comes! :)

gloomy tuesday...

So, here we are, another rainy day. I am in a funk. I think part of it is the weather, the cold, gray, rainy weather we've been having for what seems like forever. We've been cooped up in the house for what seems like an eternity. I know, I know...I could load the kids up and take them to the mall play area or to target and walk around...but the thought of bundling them up taking them out in the rain, wind, whatever...is not all that appealing.

I'm trying to think of stuff we can do that doesn't cost money, that doesn't involve hours of tv, and is short enough that we can do in between Bryce's feedings. While he is doing great at sleeping through the night, he makes up for the lack of eating by eating every 2 hours during the day. I probably should try to give him an extra ounce at each feeding, but he has a tendency to spit up, so I don't want to push it. Brianna has been having some set-backs. She had 4 accidents last week, and she wet the bed last night and had another accident today.

Beyond that, I think I'm just feeling a little burnt out. I love being home with my kids, but I feel like I never get 5 minutes to myself. The only time I get to myself is at the gym, but the gym is not a relaxing, enjoyable time for me. I go because I have to, and yes I feel good after I work out, but it is not the thing I would choose to do if I could do anything. The thing is is that I don't know what I want to do that is enjoyable anymore. I love to read, but I can't just sit in the house and read because if I am here, there is no quiet. And it seems silly to go somewhere else to read. I guess I need a hobby, but I don't even know where to start with that.

On top of all of this, I have to find time in the day to do my bookkeeping work and finish my transcription class, so any "free" time I do have I try to work on that stuff.

So, I am at an impasse, I need things to do with my kids, and I need to figure out something I can do to rejuvenate myself so I can be the kind of mom and wife I want to be. I am trying to come up with crafts that Brianna and I can do together, but am coming up short with ideas.

So, I'm posing some questions to you blog readers...
1. What are some of your craft ideas for a 3-year-old?
2. What do you do to give yourself some time to re-energize?
3. Have you experienced set-backs in potty training and what do you do about them?

hello again...

Well, I guess it has been a little bit since I've posted. Not too much going on, just the same old day-to-day stuff. I cannot wait for the weather to warm up so we can play outside, we've been playing lots of Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, and Memory lately also coloring and putting together puzzles. (All of which Brianna does better than me by the way). Other than that I've been busying myself with some work and trying to finish up my transcription class...I'm so close. I will be glad when I'm done. Naps as always are a battle with us, so it is really hard to get too much done during the day. We've got a few trips lined up for the next few weeks and I think March is going to fly by. Bryce has been doing really well sleeping (so I'm not sure why I'm so tired :)) I'm excited to take our little family on the road this weekend, it'll be nice to get out of the house and see some friends. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post after this weekend. Until then, I'll leave you with this picture of Bryce. (it was taken on my phone so it is not the best quality)

Sorry for this boring post, my brain is not functioning well. Hopefully I'll be back soon with something of more substance. :)

more prayers...

Just a quick note to ask you all to pray for another little girl we know. Bob plays volleyball and softball on his work team and through this we have gotten to know a couple who has a little girl who will turn 3 in April. Her name is Ashley and she and Brianna have become friends and enjoy running around together at the games. In early December Ashley was diagnosed with leukemia. In mid-January (I think) she went into remission, but has to have intensive chemo once a week until Halloween. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well as little Claire (there is a link to her caringbridge site on the left, if you want to keep up to date on her).

And with that I'm going to give you a link to my sister's Relay For Life donation page. As many of you know, we do the relay in Dyersville, Iowa every August. This year in addition to that my sister is getting involved in the Relay for Life in Wentzville, MO. If you can give, please do.

Health and love to you all.

happy valentine's day...

We are having a very low-key Valentine's day, hanging out at home, Bob is cooking dinner and I made dessert. Brianna has a bit of a cold, and we're both feeling a little burnt out still from having everyone last weekend and the mad rush of cleaning we did last week. Although it was completely worth it, but we need some time to recooperate now! :) My wonderful husband had flowers and candy sitting on the kitchen table when I woke up this morning, and after he got home from playing basketball I ran out to get him a card (nice planning huh). Brianna went with me and we wandered around Barnes and Noble for a while and then headed to Target. We got home and I started to work on our dessert and Bob and the kids took a nap (or at least he and Bryce took a nap).

Wishing you all a Valentine's Day filled with love and family, or at the very least, chocolate and dessert!

In my next life I aspire to be a pastry chef! :)

v-day crafts...

On our walk to Walmart on Tuesday I bought some construction paper and some foam letters/hearts/flowers. So yesterday after "naptime" (in which there were no actual naps that took place, but instead some quiet playing) we made and decorated some hearts. Other than a few foam pieces that the back didn't come off of well, it was an easy project that made Brianna happy because she got to use "stickers". As a side note I also bought her a pad of paper to draw in and by Wednesday afternoon she had drawn on every single page. She is our crazy little artist, always wanting to do projects, so I'm hoping the creative part of my brain starts working soon so we can have fun (hopefully inexpensive) things to do in the afternoons. Here are some pictures of our creations. (yes I made some too, what can I say...I love construction paper and stickers too! :))

thanks...

Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind comments about my post yesterday. I think I was just having a serious case of "mommy guilt" for whatever reason that day. I think some of it is just being cooped up in the house, but we're trying to get out when the weather is nice enough. I think I'm just frustrated with myself and thinking of anything I can to beat myself up more. BUT...I'm trying to take positive steps towards changing the negativity that consumes so much of my thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks.

baptism...

Bryce was baptized this past weekend at St. John the Evangelist church. It was a nice little ceremony with 2 other babies being baptized. The deacon that officiated is a very nice and energetic man and is very easy to listen to. He also explained a lot about the sacrament which was very nice. He had all the kids that were there come up and help to bless the water. It was very sweet and the kids really enjoyed it. Bryce slept through the whole thing. (Come to think of it, I believe Brianna also slept through her entire baptism.) My brother-in-law Nick and Brian's girlfriend, Mary, agreed to be Bryce's Godparents. We were very happy that they agreed, we are certain they are the two best people for the job! :) We had a small lunch/party here at the house after baptism and it was great to have everyone here. My parents brought my grandmas from Iowa and Angie and Nick and the boys made the trip from Missouri. Even Brian flew in from Florida. It was great to have everyone together and the day was perfect in every way. Thanks for all who where here to help us celebrate! We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family!

2 months...

Last night was Bryce's 2 month checkup.
As a side note, his appointment was at 8pm. Does anyone else's peditrician's take appointments that late, Bob said there was another appointment available at 8:40, that just seems so late. It was 9pm before we got out of there.
Anyway, he had his checkup and all looks good. He weighs 11lbs 8oz and is 22 3/4 inches long. Both of those are in the 34th percentile for his age. His head is still on the small side but the doctor said, he looks fine and maybe the only thing to keep an eye on is his development (which is fine for his age right now). He said that his head looked fine for his body and didn't seem concerned, so I am not. :) He was impressed with Bryce's sleeping habits. For the last 2 weeks or so he has been sleeping at least 8 hours a night, hopefully I didn't just curse us by typing that! The doctor also commented on how laid back Bryce was, he got through the whole exam without any fussing or even a whimper. He just let the doctor do his thing and was just looking around at everythign. Brianna was a pretty laid back baby as well although she is pretty high strung now! :) Bryce had 2 shots (it used to be more but they've combined a couple of the vaccines now) and some drops/vaccine for rotovirus. Which by reading Jodie's experiences with that, I will gladly give Bryce something to keep that out of my house (I don't know where the exact posts for it are, but look through her archives, you'll read good stuff and see excellent pictures in the process!) ! He of course cried with the shots, but recovered pretty well. He wants to be held a little more today, but that is fine by me :) Soon enough he won't even want to give me a hug so I'll take all the snuggling I can get right now.

Funny story about the nurse who gave Bryce the shots. She came in and introduced herself and Brianna said "it is nice to meet you". Sue (the nurse) looked at her and said "did you just say nice to meet you?" she laughed and then proceeded to talk to Brianna for the rest of the time. Brianna told her all about her doctor kit that she has and asked about the shots Bryce was getting. Then she (Brianna) looked at Bryce and said "Buddy, you were VERY good!" That child never ceases to amaze me.

days like these...

Every now and then I have a day where it seems like everything goes wrong. From the moment I get up until the moment I go to sleep. It is those days where I feel like I have failed, failed my children, failed my husband, failed myself. Those days I think back on everything and can only find fault in everything I have done. Lately a lot of those things come back to the 2 months since Bryce was born. And one of my biggest sources of guilt with him, breastfeeding. I had decided since I was going to be home with the kids after he was born to give it a shot. With Brianna I went back to work so early and just knew that wasnt' the right option for me, I never had any guilt about feeding her formula, not at all. But with Bryce, I had decided to try, and then he was born early, and then he was in the NICU. I tried for 2 1/2 weeks, by the end of that time, I was crying all the time and was dreading him crying because I knew he was hungry again. I was miserable, and so was he, so I stopped. He started formula and started gaining weight super fast, he was sleeping better and was just generally more content. It seems that we made the right decision, however why am I sitting here 2 months later still completely racked with guilt and beating myself up, telling myself that if I had been stronger we would have worked through the bad and we'd all be happy right now and we wouldn't be spending gobs of money on formula, etc. I wanted it to be a good experience for us both, I wanted it to be a bonding time with my boy, but it wasn't and I can't help but feel like it is my fault. It seems like it comes so naturally to some people so I wonder what is wrong with me that it didn't come naturally. This is just one of the many things I dwell on when things don't seem to be going well. Do you (all two of you that read my blog :)) have a certain thing that you dwell on when you have a bad day? Or am I the only one that does crazy stuff like this?

my sweet boy...

How is it possible that he is 2 months old already? He is growing so much every day, it is amazing to me. He really is a good baby. For the last week to week and a half he has slept from about 10 until 6. It is a marvelous thing! He is smiling and laughing and just generally in a good mood most of the time. He follows Bob and I with his eyes as we walk around the room and laughs and smiles at Brianna when she gets in his face (which is quite often). He slept through his entire baptism ceremony even when the water was poured on his head, not a peep out of him. As the deacon said "he is going to be a good Catholic, whenever an ordained person comes near him he falls asleep!" I'm excited to watch him as he grows and as his personality develops. I wonder if he will have Bob's athletic ability or my love of books, if he will laugh at things he has seen a million times like his dad does or if he will get quiet when he is angry, like I do. I'm excited to see the person he is going to become. I'm so lucky to be along for the ride!

my girl...

After just coming in from a nice stroll to the store I was sitting down to write out Thank-you's for Bryce's baptism and felt compelled to write a post about Brianna.

Oh this girl, what can I say about her that I haven't been for the last 3 1/2 years? She is the sweetest most difficult girl I know. She says things that leave me with my mouth hanging open wondering where and the world she comes up with this stuff. She loves to draw and color, sing and dance. She is our little drama queen. She is growing right before my very eyes, and at times she is so challenging that I pray to just get through the day without losing it. Because this girl, well she really knows how to push my buttons. She acts and speaks beyond her years so often that I tend to forget that she is only 3. I'm not using that as an excuse, sometimes she is downright awful and her age is no excuse, but I know that I expect a lot from her and it is somewhat unfair at times. She is beautiful and confident, so much so that at times I wonder if she is really my child. (and then she'll do something that is distinctly me and I no longer wonder :)) She is so sweet (most of the time) and I think genuinely does feel bad when she does something wrong, she says she is sorry when she hurts someone's feelings and she will hug you and tell you not to cry if you are. She is my girl, and I love her will all of my heart, I was meant to be her mom. And in those good days I know that I'm doing something right, and in those bad days all I can say is..."I'm sorry mom and dad!" and know that they are laughing and enjoying every minute of it.

so tired...

Baptism pictures are uploaded. Will write more about the weekend when I'm not soo tired. Enjoy.

why can't i do that?

Yes, I know I'm much bigger than she is and I wouldn't really fit there, but more generally, I'm talking about sleep. Yes, I sleep, but it is not something that generally comes easy to me. Brianna is just like Bob in that she can fall asleep at the drop of a hat (although she frequently chooses not to, why she chooses not to is beyond me, sleep is wasted on the young). In college, I would be coming home from a party...err...I mean the library (hi mom!) and walk by the window to the suite of our building where Bob lived (he lived on the floor directly below me, in fact in the room directly below mine...not that that has anything to do with this story)anyway, I would walk by and see Bob stretched out on 2 or 3 chairs (wooden with very little padding) with his textbook on the floor, his head hanging off the chair and his arm hanging limply over the side, sound asleep. He has done this several times at my parent's house too watching TV in the kitchen stretched out on kitchen chairs. Seriously, who can sleep like that? He has been known to fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, or even (my favorite) in the middle of playing a board game. He can lay down and shut his mind off and he falls into blissful sleep. Obviously his daughter has inherited that, because well...just look at her. I'm sure Bryce will be the same way, he can't even stay awake to eat. :) And then there is me.

I try to go to bed at a reasonable, even early time and I lay there, mind racing. It is almost as if during the day I can keep busy enough to keep my brain occupied and keep some of the garbage that clutters my mind at bay. But as soon as my head hits the pillow it all rushes back. I think about the craziest stuff, things I can't control but I wish I could, I make plans in my head that sometimes actually get followed, but sometimes forgotten until the next night when I try to sleep.

When I was working at Lake I would think about something that I couldn't figure out during the day, but usually it would come to me laying in bed or at least a new angle to try. Now that isn't an issue, but there is always some other problem that needs to be solved and while most of the time I don't find the answers, every once in a while I have a stroke of genius and then I get too excited to sleep (it is a never ending battle) Then there is usually a period where I think of everyone I miss, specifically my grandpas, how it seems that so much time has passed, but the hurt is still very much there. I pray (a lot) and thank God for the countless blessings in my life, even when it seems like things are going wrong, when I really stop to look I am so very lucky.

I think about money, time that I wish I had, time that had passed me by, and a large part of what I think about is how I failed during the day. How I didn't spend enought time with Brianna, how she watched too much TV, how I didn't cuddle with Bryce enough, how the house still isn't clean, how I didn't get to the gym, and the list goes on. I vow to try harder tomorrow, to spend more time, to have more patience, to cuddle more and yell less, but it seems like at the end of the day, I always have way more in my "fail" column than in my "success" column. (and there I go failing at my vow to be more positive :))

You would think that instead of laying there thinking of all the things I need to do I would just get up and do them, but I always think if I just lay here one more minute I'll fall asleep. And then I look over at Bob who has been sleeping for hours and I get angry. I know it's not his fault and I'm really not angry at him, I'm angry at myself for not being able to turn it all off.

So, I guess I'm off to try to sleep (yes I actually crawled in bed at 7pm tonight...it was a long day) and now everyone else has been sleeping for hours and here I sit.

Wishing you all peaceful sleep...(which you are probably getting now after reading this post! I tend to ramble and make no sense when I'm tired as well...have you noticed?)

claire update...

Little Claire has relapsed. I'm tearing up even typing those words. Sarah and Nathan are two of the strongest people I know and their faith is amazing. I know that they will get through this. Every day I pray that God will take care of them, I have always believed that things happen for a reason, that there is a plan. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers, and if you don't pray, whatever you do in situations like this, please do it. Sarah left me a message last month when Bryce was in the NICU offering encouragement and she wrote something that has stuck with me, she said that it is hard to not be able to heal our children with our own hands, but God's hands can and will heal them.

monday afternoon project...

Yesterday I was reading through my blog list and read Jodie's post on a Valentine's Day craft. I have been looking for something to do with Brianna that wouldn't take tons of time because I have at best 2 hours between Bryce's feedings (that is if he goes to sleep after he finishes his bottle). I thought this looked like fun, so after lunch Bryce was taking a nap and I sent Brianna upstairs to do the same (of course she didn't nap, but did play quietly), and got the stuff ready to do this project. I grated the crayons and decided I was going to try to do a heart-shaped wreath using the kids' handprints instead, so I cut out the heart that we would glue the handprints onto. After nap time Brianna was very excited to work on the project so I let her sprinkle the crayon shavings onto the wax paper and she kept saying "that's cool!" when I ran the iron over them. After they were done I set out cutting out handprints (and footprints in Bryce's case, have you ever tried to trace a 2-month-old's hand...not easy my friend). This process took far too long in Brianna's opinion, she just wanted to glue. Anyway, here is the end result, not fantastic, but still cute and of course still hung up on our wall!

weekend update...

Whew..is it Tuesday already? Man, where does the time go? Since I've been home with the kids it seems like the minutes/hours go slowly, but the days/weeks fly by.

Anyway, this past weekend we had a great relaxing and fun weekend. Friday night I went out to dinner with a couple of friends and to a movie (Marley & Me) the movie was fantastic, if you go to see it, remember your tissues! Saturday I decided to take Brianna to watch a dance competition. (My friend Amanda's sister Steph is the coach of the Lake Park dance team and they were competing). We got there about 9am, just in time to see Lake Park perform their first routine. They were fantastic! Brianna sat so still just watching and clapping, it was adorable. After a while, while we were watching the hip hop competition, she starting dancing in the bleachers and pretty much hasn't stopped dancing around the house since. She even says to me "I want to be a dancer". What a kid. We got home about 3 Saturday afternoon and relaxed for the rest of the day. Saturday night, Brianna crawled in bed with me and we both read and then she fell asleep book in hand. As Bob likes to frequently say "she is my daughter" because most nights you can find me just like this.

love-hate...

I have a total love-hate relationship with...the gym, more specifically...the stairmaster. The gym is one of those things that, once I am there...I love being there. I love pushing myself just to see how far I can go, I love that it is time just for me. I can put my headphones in, crank up the music and run, walk, climb, or pedal until everything is gone from my head. And sometimes, I can actually read a book while I'm working out and not feel guilty for reading because there are so many other things I should be doing. Yesterday I read half a book while riding the recumbant bike...HALF a book, in an hour...no interruptions..

Anyway, back to my point, I love the gym once I'm there...but I hate getting there. Granted it is pretty much my only way out of the house these days, but getting my gym clothes on and out the door pretty much takes all my willpower these days. I've been through this before, I know that the more I work out the more energy I have and the less I'll be tired, but before getting to that point I know I'm going to be sore and really tired, I'm not sure I have the strength to battle through the bad part again.

In reality, I should have been working out all through my pregnancy, I had ambitions to gain no more than 25lbs. HA! Through week 18 I gained only 5lbs. At my 22 week appointment I gained 9lbs. NINE! and the rest of the pregnancy pretty much continued along those lines. I did nothing differently, I ate the same things as I did at the begining of pregnancy, but I just kept gaining weight. Granted, I was definitely lazy and didn't activly try to keep my weight down, except for watching what I ate. Then Bryce was born and he only weighed 5lbs 7oz....I gained 43lbs. Seriously, how does that happen?

(Wow, this is becoming a very scattered post...back to my point...I swear)

Last week I made my first trip to the gym since Bryce was born. It was packed, because I got there at 5pm (worst time ever to work out). Pretty much the only thing open was the stairmaster. When I first joined the gym I wondered why it looked like people were going so slow on the stairmaster, I mean...it is just stairs right, how hard can it be. And then I used it for the first time....holy hell, I wanted to die after about 2 minutes. After a while, I could do an hour on the stairmaster without wanting to die. It wasn't easy, but I could make it through and burn a decent amount of calories doing it. So last Tuesday I hopped up on the stairmaster and set it for 30 min, I figured I could do that...I couldn't possibly be that out of shape. WRONG! The machine started, my heart rate shot up and I was sweating and then I looked down at the timer, all of 2 minutes had passed. I pushed my way through 15 minutes...but no way could I go 30.

I love the stairmaster because it is a great workout that burns a good amount of calories, but I hate that every minute on it feels like an hour. I hate how it makes me feel when I'm on it, but love how I feel when I actually make it through an entire workout.

Our new insurance gives a $20 credit for my gym membership if I go at least 12 times/month. I have to go 10 more times before the end of the month to get my credit (yes, that is almost every day), so you can bet the stairmaster and I will be seeing a lot of each other in the near future. I just need to push through this initial frustration and anger...I worked really hard to lose this weight the first time, I don't want to have to lose it again, but I do and I will and hopefully sooner rather than later I'll be back to pre-baby weight and then I can work on all the rest of the weight that has been hanging around for far too long. To be honest,as much as I hate having to lose this weight again, I'd do it in a heartbeat for this little man.

new year, new baby, new look...

I still don't know if I'm completely satisfied with the new look or the name yet, so I'm open to suggestions if you have any. I'm trying to give myself a daily reminder to appreciate the small things. Anyway, I'll try to write something of substance at another time, but for now, let me know how you like the new look, I was trying to simplify...I strive to make things as simple as possible these days...ha...I don't think it is working because instead of using one of bloggers templates which would have changed up the look in about 5 minutes, I had to find a template and then mess around with it to get it to my liking (or at least to an acceptable point). I guess there is always tomorrow to try to simplify things. I'll be back to write about my rekindled love hate relationship and more about the kids (of course), but for now I'm off to watch 24 with the hubby.

claire...

Please if you have time say some prayers for little Claire. If you are unaware of who Claire is, she is the 1 year old daughter of my high school classmate and friend. Last year she was diagnoised with cancer, her first round of treatment went well, but it seems now she needs some more prayers. Go here to read for yourself and please keep that beautiful little girl in your prayers.
Thanks everyone!

quick post...

Hello all...just wanted to write a quick post to update you on Bryce's check up that he had last Thursday. He is doing very well, eating like a champ (now that he is on formula) and as of last Thursday he weighs 8lbs 10.5oz! We were shocked. We knew he had put on weight...but were amazed by those numbers. He is in the 15th percentile for his age, so he is still on the small side, but he's catching up. I know I have much to update and pictures to upload...I hope to maybe get the pictures uploaded tonight (no promises). I actually do have a lot to write about but just haven't had time to put down any coherent thoughts. Plus I'm hoping to get a new look to this little blog in the near future as well. Stay tuned...but until then...here is a picture of the kids from today.

christmas 2008...

Wow, can it really be over already. Does it seem to anyone else that Christmas comes and goes extremely fast these days? Granted this year was not exactly typical for us, but still, it seems like we just got the tree and decorations up and now its time to put them away. We had a good Christmas. Brianna really enjoyed the whole thing and was so excited with her gifts. We went to Crystal Lake on Christmas Eve to spend time with Bob's family and go to church with them (yes we took Bryce to church even though we weren't really supposed to). Christmas day we spent at home in our pjs, playing games, putting together puzzles, napping, reading. All-in-all a perfect day. We are heading to Iowa on Wednesday to round out our holidays for 2008, we are looking forward to seeing family and having Bryce meet his Aunt Angie, Uncle Nick, Braden & Jackson. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas surrounded by your loved ones. We wish you all a happy and healthy 2009!

fattening him up...

I'm baaaack! Things are slowly getting into a routine around here (very slowly). We took Bryce to the doctor yesterday afternoon for a weight check. The infant nurse said his coloring looked fantastic and he's weighing in at 5lbs 15oz. She said he was doing amazing. (Which we already knew!) For someone who wasn't interested in eating at all when we first brought him home, that is all he wants to do now. No one has been sleeping very well lately, Bryce has his days/nights mixed up and I think Brianna is feeling a little insecure because she has been waking up in the middle of the night and crawling into our bed. Bryce is in our room in a bassinette and I think she is feeling a little left out in her room. But we are slowly but surely trying to get into a decent routine and are looking forward to spending lots of quality time together over the next 3 weeks. Bob has a couple of weeks of vacation he is taking and he is taking his 2nd week of family leave the week after the 1st, so we'll have some family time together which I'm totally looking forward to. Other than that not too much going on here. I'll leave you with a couple of pictures of the kids, Brianna really does love her brother!

love comes in all sizes...

I've read about Love Thursday for a while now, but haven't ever participated until now. After the crazy week we've had, I could not let this Love Thursday pass me by without sharing photos of 2 of the loves of my life. They have made me a better person, more patient and more kind. The have made me a mom, and dispite all of the frustrations that come along with it, there is no job I'd rather have than mom to these two beautiful babies. Happy Love Thursday!

home again...

We are home, we actually got home yesterday. Bryce was doing much better on Sunday so they shut the bili lights off and watched him to make sure his numbers didn't rebound. We stayed in the hospital Saturday night in a courtesy room, but Sunday night decided we would come home and get some sleep and take Brianna to daycare on Monday to give her some sort of "normal" back as she had been shuffled around all week. We got to the NICU about 9am on Monday and saw that he was doing well. The doctor said he'd probably be released around noon, so we did his 9 o'clock feeding and hung out with him. Because of his high bili numbers the had to retest his hearing, apparently high bili levels can damage the nerves in the ears. On the first round his right ear didn't pass, so they retested him before he left and he passed. Yay! His weight yesterday at discharge was just under 5lbs. He's on a pretty strict feeding schedule right now, and did really well with it yesterday. Today we took him in to see the infant nurse and his bili level was around 9-10 and his weight was a whopping 5lbs 6oz! Almost up to his birth weight, woo hoo. He has to go back in a week for another weight check but everything looks good. It has been such a whirlwind these last 6-7 days since he decided he was ready to enter the world. But having him home now and doing so well is great. I'm tired (as you will see when you see our Christmas cards...don't mind how washed out I look! :))
I know my last post was probably a little overly dramatic, I knew he was going to be fine, and I in no way want to compare myself to those parents who watch their child/children in the NICU day after day, I fully realize it is not the same situation at all. But walking into the NICU was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Thoughts of Dale & Suzanne flooded into my mind, walking by all the isolettes with the tiniest of babies, it tore at my heart in ways I could never imagine. I think my emotions and tears had more to do with all of them than it did with Bryce. As Dale said the NICU is God's way of showing you how helpless you are. The doctors and nurses in the NICU were so wonderful, I think it takes a special kind of person to work there, and they were such a comfort to us during our short time there. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words of encouragement during the last week...it means so much to us.
So, now that we're all home and Bob goes back to work tomorrow (for a week and a half), I'm hoping to sort of get into a routine, it seems like everytime I pick something up or do dishes there is suddenly another mess to clean up or another pile of dishes to do. I'm trying my best to get our Christmas cards done and Bryce's birth announcements...but we'll see :).
I'll hopefully be back blogging soon...but I think sleep may take priority for a few days!
Have a great week everyone!

(Dale I linked to you in my post...I think that means you need a new post now! :)

helpless...

Is there anything worse than feeling helpless when it comes to your children? Bryce is jaundiced and his levels are high enough and his weight loss is great enough that he has landed himself in the NICU for a couple of days (most likely). He went for a checkup this morning after being discharged yesterday and Bob had to take him to outpatient lab to have his billyruben (sp?) checked. The called us an hour or so later and informed us that we needed to take him back to the hospital to be admitted. He has lost about 9oz since birth (about 10% of his weight) and his billyruben level was at 16. So he was admitted this afternoon/evening and is enjoying some time in an isolette under the lights. There is nothing we can do except sit there an watch him. I wish so much I could make it all better, wondering if there is something I could have/should have done differently. My head knows that he is going to be fine and that if you need to have your baby in the NICU, this is probably the best thing to have. But my heart is breaking.

surprise...

So, I guess I made a liar of myself with my post yesterday. Turns out I will not be pregnant mid-January, actually I won't even be pregnant mid-December. Yesterday my water broke. We arrived at the hospital about 6:30pm and after the confirmation of the fact that my water did in fact break, we settled in for our stay. IV was started, antibiotics were given (strep B test didn't have time to come back so antibiotics are given as a precaution), and pitocin was started. Labor progressed and about 1am I had my first round of drugs. It was very strange, I could still feel the contractions and it didn't lessen the pain, but I certainly didn't care about the contractions! I got my epidural around 3:30am, and tried to sleep, but only got about 10 minutes here or there for the next 3 hours. 6:30am, I started feeling contractions, not so good for me, I got a booster (or something) for my epidural, and that made me sick and I still could feel the contractions, the baby had some heart arithmias and between 6:30 and 7 am the baby was ready to enter the world. Two pushes later, he arrived. He was checked over by the neonatoligist due to the arithmias, but everything looks fine. So, without further ado...we are pleased to introduce the newest member of our family...

Bryce Robert Carroll was born at 7:12am (the same time his mommy was born, oh so many years ago), weighing in at 5lbs 7oz, 19 inches long. We could not be happier that this little man is part of our family. Thank you all for the emails, texts, and comments you've left us, we feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives.

*attempting to upload pictures to shutterfly...should be up soon*

baby c update...

Just a quick update on baby C's progress. I had an ultrasound today and all looks good. They are estimating baby's weight around 6lbs 1oz, (but can swing 12oz either way...accurate huh?). Anyway, we're still chugging along. When the ultrasound tech was trying to get a profile shot for us, the baby had his/her lips puckered up...it was adorable. The tech just laughed and said "look at those lips!" I'm starting my once a week appointments next week...the countdown is really on now. It is funny to think that Brianna was born at 36 weeks 2 days which would be this Friday for Baby C...guess we'll wait and see what happens. Although I'm fully expecting to still be pregnant mid-January. :o)
Happy Tuesday everyone!

weekend wrap-up...

See, told you I'd be back soon! :o) So, the rest of the weekend was a mix of hectic and relaxing. Saturday Brianna had a birthday party to go to at Chuck-E-Cheese. She had a great time running around and playing with the kids, going on the rides and playing games. She finally crashed after we got home. After her nap and stuffing ourselves on Thanksgiving left-overs, we put up our Christmas tree, which she really loved, she was actually a pretty big help putting up the ornaments this year. She's very excited to have the tree up and keeps asking when Santa is bringing her baby. (Thanks mom for that :o) I'm not sure which she is more excited about the baby, or Santa coming. Bob got the outside decorations up yesterday afternoon (he is the best!). so I think all of our decorations are up, which is exciting! Today Brianna and I made a paper chain to count down the days until Christmas, she loves doing projects, so it was fun for both of us. Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures while we were doing the project, I was enjoying it too much. So, I will leave you with this one picture of her napping after the party. She got those glasses in her goodie bag and now puts them on to "read". What a kid...gotta love her.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and have a great week! I have an ultrasound and doctor's appointment on Tuesday, so I'll try to update after that.

grateful...

So, I guess it has been a little while since I've posted. We're still chugging along. We had a good Thanksgiving. Although it was a tad bittersweet for me, as we were supposed to be in Iowa, but decided to stick close to home in case Baby Carroll decided to make his/her appearance early. But other than a lot of heartburn, insomnia, and being very uncomfortable, things are quite calm on the baby front. Thankfully, Bob's parents came over on Thursday and then again on Friday along with Brian and Mary, so I had some distractions to avoid thinking about not being with my family. It is not like I never see my family, but when for the first 23 years of your life you spend every holiday, special occasion with them, and then for the next 5 develop a system where you get to spend every other holiday with them, and then suddenly everything changes (although the reason for the disruption in the plans is a good one and one we're very excited about), it is hard to readjust. Anyway, I know that we'll be together soon enough, and that the new addition to our family will be a wonderful reason to be together. We have so much to be thankful for this year, we are blessed in so many ways, with the friends that we have, who would do anything for us, for the family who loves us unconditionally, for the beautiful little girl who sometimes, we think, is trying to drive us insane, but also makes us laugh on a daily basis, for this new baby, who I am certain is going to bring just as much joy to our life, and (in my case) for Bob, I couldn't get through the day without him. He keeps me going when I don't think I can, and he supports me and loves me unconditionally, for this I am truly thankful. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and have a blessed holiday season. I can't believe that 2008 is soon wrapping up, when it seems as if it just started. I'll be back soon with more updates of our weekend and a picture (and yes I only have 1).
Lots of love from our family to yours!

34 weeks and all is well...

Yesterday was my 34 week checkup. Things are still looking good nothing exciting or eventful going on. It is strange for me to think that my 34 week checkup with Brianna was my last doctor's appointment. The morning of my 36 week checkup my water broke. So I am actually kind of heading into unchartered territory for me (well almost). I sound silly when I talk about how nervous these last few weeks make me. People look at me like I'm crazy, I have a 3-year-old, how can I not know what to expect? But Brianna's birth wasn't very typical. There was no timing of contractions, no wondering if it is too soon to go to the hospital, I actually don't even know that I had any contractions (not even Braxton Hicks) before they induced labor at the hospital. This whole pregnancy has been a new experience for me, this baby moves all the time, Brianna was fairly inactive during her time inside (she's making up for it now), everything is just so different. Anyway, I'll keep you updated on how things go, but for now...here are my comparative belly shots. The one on the left is 34(ish) weeks with Brianna, and obviously the right is today (picture taken by Brianna). Happy Friday everyone!

more changes...

No, it is not twins! :) Things have been a little bit hectic around here lately, we've been gone the last couple weekends (I know you are all shocked) but now we are home pretty much until the baby comes. I guess that is to say we have no official plans to travel over the next 2 months. The biggest thing going on around here is that I have officially resigned at my current job. My last day will be December 19th, I gave them a couple months notice so as to give them a chance to find my replacement before tax season hit. I know it seems silly in this economy to give up a decent job, but for us right now it was the right decision. I'm looking forward to spending time with the new baby and Brianna. I went back to work when Brianna was 5 weeks old, so I still, 3 years later, feel like I missed out on a lot when she was a baby. In reality, the timing of this baby and the nature of my job, I would basically miss out on the first 4-5 months of this baby's life. My job is pretty consuming (especially during tax season), and there is just no way I can do it. I've been there almost 6 years, so this was a tough decision for me, and I am definitely going to miss a lot of the people I have come to know over the last 6 years, but I'm excited about the new turn life is going to take. I probably will not remain home forever, but for the first few months at least I will be focused on the kids.

I guess that is the biggest change going on with us, but in other good news Brianna is potty trained. She has been for a little while, I just didn't want to jinx us! I'm enjoying not changing diapers (at least for a little bit of time :)

Today was our first Saturday at home in a while and we spent the day going to the library, going to Target, and making cookies and cupcakes. It has been a fun day for the most part (except that a certain 3-year-old hasn't napped at all). But we're enjoying our time together and we're trying to enjoy the last few weeks of us being a family of 3 before our new arrival comes!

I had a doctor's appointment last Thursday and all is well, I go back in 2 weeks, hopefully everything stays on course. I'm getting a bit uncomfortable (I don't remember being this uncomfortable with Brianna) but thankfully we are both healthy and that is all I can ask for.

Hope you all have a great weekend, and I'll hopefully be posting more in the near future.

happy halloween...

From Our Kitchen to Yours,

Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!

Lots of Love!

perfect weekend...

After yesterday's heavy post...I'm going to indulge you all in some gratuitous "cute kid" pictures. We had a great time at the pumpkin farm yesterday, Brianna & Braden went on pony rides, which they both loved, and Jackson was the perfect little man (like always).


Braden and Brianna decorated their pumpkins and worked together on decorating Jackson's.


We did attempt to take pictures of the kids all in their Halloween costumes (I say attempt, because well, we weren't very successful in having 3 smiling kids in a single picture), but I won't be posting them until Halloween, per Bob's instructions. But trust me when I say there are no 3 cuter kids (not that I'm biased). The kids just have so much fun playing together, although our house quite possibly has toys laying on the floor in every single room of the house I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Sunday Everyone!

on my mind...

Ever since reading this post last night I've found myself mentally writing a blog post (go on read it, I promise you it is worth your time...I'll wait). Now, when I do that it rarely turns into what I want it to, and it almost never comes out in my writing the way it sounds in my head, but I'm going to take a stab at it anyway, since I've already sort of scratched the surface of this subject with a previous post, I'll just continue on this train of thought.

The one place my experience differs from the woman in the blog post is that growing up I don't ever remember hearing my mom say anything negative about herself. I'm sure she did (she is a woman after all), but it is not something that shaped the way I thought about myself. I never felt anything but unconditional love come from my mom and dad, my whole family in fact. I never felt like thin was beautiful and anything but thin was not. I'm sure that my hatred of the way I looked was a gradual thing, something that started to really affect me on a deep level in high school. Don't get me wrong...I had some great friends in high school, some of whom I'm still grateful to have as friends to this day, but I never really felt like I "fit in" in high school. I wouldn't say I technically had an eating disorder, but I was definitely walking a very fine line of doing some serious damage to my body. I would go for days and have little more than a can of pop and a granola bar each day. I would go to volleyball practice and fight to maintain my balance because (I would imagine) that my blood sugar was just so low. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. When I went to college, I knew not a single soul on that campus, it was so out of my comfort zone, I wasn't sure I'd make it there. But in reality, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I probably felt the most comfortable with myself when I was in college, even though I was the heaviest I had ever been (weird huh?). I think alot of it just had to be because I finally felt I was in a place where I belonged, as hard as it was...I was right where I was supposed to be.

Fast forward a few years, when I truly hit rock bottom and decided I needed to change my life, because I was not happy, and that I was truly the only one who could make me happy. A lot of that came about because of having Brianna. I look at my beautiful daughter, and do not ever want her to think that she is anything less than beautiful, because she is. I adore the fact that she will run around in underwear and dress shoes and "tap" dance in front of the mirror. I love her little belly and her cheeks.

However, I'm fully aware of the fact that when I get dressed in the morning and turn to see how my butt looks in my jeans and how (in my mind) huge I look from the side, that she mimics me. I'm all too aware that her favorite thing to do in the bathroom is step on the scale (probably because she has seen me do it so many times). These things hurt me, I don't want her consumed with her weight or the numbers on the scale, I don't want her to have the distorted self image I have, but I'm unsure how to stop it. I tell her how beautiful she is, both inside and out...but is that enough? I know that until I understand and "fix" my behavior my words will have no meaning to her. It is a constant battle for me, but I know it is something I have to keep battling, so that my daughter doesn't have to.

As I was watching the Biggest Loser the other night, the woman who got voted off said something that really hit home with me. She said something to the effect of "my husband has always told me that I'm beautiful, but now (after losing weight) I finally believe him." That statement is heartbreaking to me. I know it, I feel it...but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. How can we become so distorted in our view and thinking that we cannot believe that the person we chose to spend our life with finds us beautiful? And how hurtful must that be to the person that loves us?

I have realistic goals for myself, I know I will never be a size 2, I know that I will never be what anyone considers "skinny" and that is fine by me. I want to be able to play with my children, I want to watch them get married and have children of their own someday...and even more simply I want to look in the mirror and actually see my true reflection, and not the image I have made up in my head, when my husband says "you are beautiful" I want to say "thank you" without my first thought being "yeah right!", and maybe most importantly I want my daughter (well all my children) to know how beautiful she is both inside and out.

So, how do I make this happen? How do I protect my daughter (all my children) from feeling like they are anything less than beautiful? I wish I knew...but you can be sure I'm going to do everything I can (most importantly dealing with my own issues) until I figure it out.

*I know this probably has a ton of errors in it, but I'm posting it before I lose my nerve to post it at all, putting it out there, seems to make it all a little less scary for me and helps me regain some control over something I feel has taken so much control from me (make sense? yeah doesn't to me either...but that is the wonderful workings of my brain!)*