Wednesday, February 11, 2009

days like these...

Every now and then I have a day where it seems like everything goes wrong. From the moment I get up until the moment I go to sleep. It is those days where I feel like I have failed, failed my children, failed my husband, failed myself. Those days I think back on everything and can only find fault in everything I have done. Lately a lot of those things come back to the 2 months since Bryce was born. And one of my biggest sources of guilt with him, breastfeeding. I had decided since I was going to be home with the kids after he was born to give it a shot. With Brianna I went back to work so early and just knew that wasnt' the right option for me, I never had any guilt about feeding her formula, not at all. But with Bryce, I had decided to try, and then he was born early, and then he was in the NICU. I tried for 2 1/2 weeks, by the end of that time, I was crying all the time and was dreading him crying because I knew he was hungry again. I was miserable, and so was he, so I stopped. He started formula and started gaining weight super fast, he was sleeping better and was just generally more content. It seems that we made the right decision, however why am I sitting here 2 months later still completely racked with guilt and beating myself up, telling myself that if I had been stronger we would have worked through the bad and we'd all be happy right now and we wouldn't be spending gobs of money on formula, etc. I wanted it to be a good experience for us both, I wanted it to be a bonding time with my boy, but it wasn't and I can't help but feel like it is my fault. It seems like it comes so naturally to some people so I wonder what is wrong with me that it didn't come naturally. This is just one of the many things I dwell on when things don't seem to be going well. Do you (all two of you that read my blog :)) have a certain thing that you dwell on when you have a bad day? Or am I the only one that does crazy stuff like this?

4 comments:

Sarah Weipert said...

Hey you,
I am one of the biggest advocates for breastfeeding you may find. And not only did you try, you tried for a long time. I think it would have been selfish for you to NOT have given him formula...he obviously needed it. And I sincerely believe that anyone that says breastfeeding came "naturally" has some kind of memory loss. I don't know of anyone that didn't have some challenges along the way. You are doing great! I will just mention to you that sincere prayer is a powerful thing, and your burdens will be lifted.
Love you

Lisa Steinbach said...

Amber,
I tried to breastfeed both my children and it just didn't work out. Some of us women - and some of our children - just do not take to breastfeeding. I understand your feelings but you tried and it just didn't work out. You are a GREAT MOM and you obviously want what is best for your family and do what is best for them. Don't be so hard on yourself - Bryce and Brianna are happy and it is because you are a good mom. Keep up the good work, you are blessed with a beautiful family.

Abbie said...

You are doing great! You are a fabulous mom who should not feel guilty that you gave your son what he needed at the time. So breastfeeding didn't work out; he is healthy and happy and ultimately that is all that matters.
The thing that haunts me at night is that I am not "working" with Sam enough on skills. I am not very good at setting aside time each day to go through all the animals with her and the sounds that they make, to show her things and point out their shapes or colors, to play games like patty cake, etc. I am terrified that at her one year appointment when she still won't wave hi on command that they will tell me she is behind! This is what I think about on the bad days.

Holly said...

Amber, please let that guilt go. The fact that it is bothering you so much is proof of how great of a mom you are! You care and that's what matters. But seriously, you have to keep you BOTH happy. And breastfeeding is one of the hardest things! I made 2.5 months with Ella and a miraculous 4 months with Lily. I can't believe I lasted that long and that was really REALLY hard. In the end, you have to do what is best for you because that will also be best for baby. You had so many adjustments to make with being home from work, taking care of a baby, dealing with Brianna becoming a sibling, getting your body back to yourself, throw in the hard work of breastfeeding! That can definitely be the straw to break the camel's back. So you had to give him formula to make your life just a little bit easier. Big deal. Look at all the stuff you are still dealing with on a daily basis! :-) You're doing an awesome job!!