my sweet boy...

How is it possible that he is 2 months old already? He is growing so much every day, it is amazing to me. He really is a good baby. For the last week to week and a half he has slept from about 10 until 6. It is a marvelous thing! He is smiling and laughing and just generally in a good mood most of the time. He follows Bob and I with his eyes as we walk around the room and laughs and smiles at Brianna when she gets in his face (which is quite often). He slept through his entire baptism ceremony even when the water was poured on his head, not a peep out of him. As the deacon said "he is going to be a good Catholic, whenever an ordained person comes near him he falls asleep!" I'm excited to watch him as he grows and as his personality develops. I wonder if he will have Bob's athletic ability or my love of books, if he will laugh at things he has seen a million times like his dad does or if he will get quiet when he is angry, like I do. I'm excited to see the person he is going to become. I'm so lucky to be along for the ride!

my girl...

After just coming in from a nice stroll to the store I was sitting down to write out Thank-you's for Bryce's baptism and felt compelled to write a post about Brianna.

Oh this girl, what can I say about her that I haven't been for the last 3 1/2 years? She is the sweetest most difficult girl I know. She says things that leave me with my mouth hanging open wondering where and the world she comes up with this stuff. She loves to draw and color, sing and dance. She is our little drama queen. She is growing right before my very eyes, and at times she is so challenging that I pray to just get through the day without losing it. Because this girl, well she really knows how to push my buttons. She acts and speaks beyond her years so often that I tend to forget that she is only 3. I'm not using that as an excuse, sometimes she is downright awful and her age is no excuse, but I know that I expect a lot from her and it is somewhat unfair at times. She is beautiful and confident, so much so that at times I wonder if she is really my child. (and then she'll do something that is distinctly me and I no longer wonder :)) She is so sweet (most of the time) and I think genuinely does feel bad when she does something wrong, she says she is sorry when she hurts someone's feelings and she will hug you and tell you not to cry if you are. She is my girl, and I love her will all of my heart, I was meant to be her mom. And in those good days I know that I'm doing something right, and in those bad days all I can say is..."I'm sorry mom and dad!" and know that they are laughing and enjoying every minute of it.

so tired...

Baptism pictures are uploaded. Will write more about the weekend when I'm not soo tired. Enjoy.

why can't i do that?

Yes, I know I'm much bigger than she is and I wouldn't really fit there, but more generally, I'm talking about sleep. Yes, I sleep, but it is not something that generally comes easy to me. Brianna is just like Bob in that she can fall asleep at the drop of a hat (although she frequently chooses not to, why she chooses not to is beyond me, sleep is wasted on the young). In college, I would be coming home from a party...err...I mean the library (hi mom!) and walk by the window to the suite of our building where Bob lived (he lived on the floor directly below me, in fact in the room directly below mine...not that that has anything to do with this story)anyway, I would walk by and see Bob stretched out on 2 or 3 chairs (wooden with very little padding) with his textbook on the floor, his head hanging off the chair and his arm hanging limply over the side, sound asleep. He has done this several times at my parent's house too watching TV in the kitchen stretched out on kitchen chairs. Seriously, who can sleep like that? He has been known to fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, or even (my favorite) in the middle of playing a board game. He can lay down and shut his mind off and he falls into blissful sleep. Obviously his daughter has inherited that, because well...just look at her. I'm sure Bryce will be the same way, he can't even stay awake to eat. :) And then there is me.

I try to go to bed at a reasonable, even early time and I lay there, mind racing. It is almost as if during the day I can keep busy enough to keep my brain occupied and keep some of the garbage that clutters my mind at bay. But as soon as my head hits the pillow it all rushes back. I think about the craziest stuff, things I can't control but I wish I could, I make plans in my head that sometimes actually get followed, but sometimes forgotten until the next night when I try to sleep.

When I was working at Lake I would think about something that I couldn't figure out during the day, but usually it would come to me laying in bed or at least a new angle to try. Now that isn't an issue, but there is always some other problem that needs to be solved and while most of the time I don't find the answers, every once in a while I have a stroke of genius and then I get too excited to sleep (it is a never ending battle) Then there is usually a period where I think of everyone I miss, specifically my grandpas, how it seems that so much time has passed, but the hurt is still very much there. I pray (a lot) and thank God for the countless blessings in my life, even when it seems like things are going wrong, when I really stop to look I am so very lucky.

I think about money, time that I wish I had, time that had passed me by, and a large part of what I think about is how I failed during the day. How I didn't spend enought time with Brianna, how she watched too much TV, how I didn't cuddle with Bryce enough, how the house still isn't clean, how I didn't get to the gym, and the list goes on. I vow to try harder tomorrow, to spend more time, to have more patience, to cuddle more and yell less, but it seems like at the end of the day, I always have way more in my "fail" column than in my "success" column. (and there I go failing at my vow to be more positive :))

You would think that instead of laying there thinking of all the things I need to do I would just get up and do them, but I always think if I just lay here one more minute I'll fall asleep. And then I look over at Bob who has been sleeping for hours and I get angry. I know it's not his fault and I'm really not angry at him, I'm angry at myself for not being able to turn it all off.

So, I guess I'm off to try to sleep (yes I actually crawled in bed at 7pm tonight...it was a long day) and now everyone else has been sleeping for hours and here I sit.

Wishing you all peaceful sleep...(which you are probably getting now after reading this post! I tend to ramble and make no sense when I'm tired as well...have you noticed?)

claire update...

Little Claire has relapsed. I'm tearing up even typing those words. Sarah and Nathan are two of the strongest people I know and their faith is amazing. I know that they will get through this. Every day I pray that God will take care of them, I have always believed that things happen for a reason, that there is a plan. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers, and if you don't pray, whatever you do in situations like this, please do it. Sarah left me a message last month when Bryce was in the NICU offering encouragement and she wrote something that has stuck with me, she said that it is hard to not be able to heal our children with our own hands, but God's hands can and will heal them.

monday afternoon project...

Yesterday I was reading through my blog list and read Jodie's post on a Valentine's Day craft. I have been looking for something to do with Brianna that wouldn't take tons of time because I have at best 2 hours between Bryce's feedings (that is if he goes to sleep after he finishes his bottle). I thought this looked like fun, so after lunch Bryce was taking a nap and I sent Brianna upstairs to do the same (of course she didn't nap, but did play quietly), and got the stuff ready to do this project. I grated the crayons and decided I was going to try to do a heart-shaped wreath using the kids' handprints instead, so I cut out the heart that we would glue the handprints onto. After nap time Brianna was very excited to work on the project so I let her sprinkle the crayon shavings onto the wax paper and she kept saying "that's cool!" when I ran the iron over them. After they were done I set out cutting out handprints (and footprints in Bryce's case, have you ever tried to trace a 2-month-old's hand...not easy my friend). This process took far too long in Brianna's opinion, she just wanted to glue. Anyway, here is the end result, not fantastic, but still cute and of course still hung up on our wall!

weekend update...

Whew..is it Tuesday already? Man, where does the time go? Since I've been home with the kids it seems like the minutes/hours go slowly, but the days/weeks fly by.

Anyway, this past weekend we had a great relaxing and fun weekend. Friday night I went out to dinner with a couple of friends and to a movie (Marley & Me) the movie was fantastic, if you go to see it, remember your tissues! Saturday I decided to take Brianna to watch a dance competition. (My friend Amanda's sister Steph is the coach of the Lake Park dance team and they were competing). We got there about 9am, just in time to see Lake Park perform their first routine. They were fantastic! Brianna sat so still just watching and clapping, it was adorable. After a while, while we were watching the hip hop competition, she starting dancing in the bleachers and pretty much hasn't stopped dancing around the house since. She even says to me "I want to be a dancer". What a kid. We got home about 3 Saturday afternoon and relaxed for the rest of the day. Saturday night, Brianna crawled in bed with me and we both read and then she fell asleep book in hand. As Bob likes to frequently say "she is my daughter" because most nights you can find me just like this.

love-hate...

I have a total love-hate relationship with...the gym, more specifically...the stairmaster. The gym is one of those things that, once I am there...I love being there. I love pushing myself just to see how far I can go, I love that it is time just for me. I can put my headphones in, crank up the music and run, walk, climb, or pedal until everything is gone from my head. And sometimes, I can actually read a book while I'm working out and not feel guilty for reading because there are so many other things I should be doing. Yesterday I read half a book while riding the recumbant bike...HALF a book, in an hour...no interruptions..

Anyway, back to my point, I love the gym once I'm there...but I hate getting there. Granted it is pretty much my only way out of the house these days, but getting my gym clothes on and out the door pretty much takes all my willpower these days. I've been through this before, I know that the more I work out the more energy I have and the less I'll be tired, but before getting to that point I know I'm going to be sore and really tired, I'm not sure I have the strength to battle through the bad part again.

In reality, I should have been working out all through my pregnancy, I had ambitions to gain no more than 25lbs. HA! Through week 18 I gained only 5lbs. At my 22 week appointment I gained 9lbs. NINE! and the rest of the pregnancy pretty much continued along those lines. I did nothing differently, I ate the same things as I did at the begining of pregnancy, but I just kept gaining weight. Granted, I was definitely lazy and didn't activly try to keep my weight down, except for watching what I ate. Then Bryce was born and he only weighed 5lbs 7oz....I gained 43lbs. Seriously, how does that happen?

(Wow, this is becoming a very scattered post...back to my point...I swear)

Last week I made my first trip to the gym since Bryce was born. It was packed, because I got there at 5pm (worst time ever to work out). Pretty much the only thing open was the stairmaster. When I first joined the gym I wondered why it looked like people were going so slow on the stairmaster, I mean...it is just stairs right, how hard can it be. And then I used it for the first time....holy hell, I wanted to die after about 2 minutes. After a while, I could do an hour on the stairmaster without wanting to die. It wasn't easy, but I could make it through and burn a decent amount of calories doing it. So last Tuesday I hopped up on the stairmaster and set it for 30 min, I figured I could do that...I couldn't possibly be that out of shape. WRONG! The machine started, my heart rate shot up and I was sweating and then I looked down at the timer, all of 2 minutes had passed. I pushed my way through 15 minutes...but no way could I go 30.

I love the stairmaster because it is a great workout that burns a good amount of calories, but I hate that every minute on it feels like an hour. I hate how it makes me feel when I'm on it, but love how I feel when I actually make it through an entire workout.

Our new insurance gives a $20 credit for my gym membership if I go at least 12 times/month. I have to go 10 more times before the end of the month to get my credit (yes, that is almost every day), so you can bet the stairmaster and I will be seeing a lot of each other in the near future. I just need to push through this initial frustration and anger...I worked really hard to lose this weight the first time, I don't want to have to lose it again, but I do and I will and hopefully sooner rather than later I'll be back to pre-baby weight and then I can work on all the rest of the weight that has been hanging around for far too long. To be honest,as much as I hate having to lose this weight again, I'd do it in a heartbeat for this little man.

new year, new baby, new look...

I still don't know if I'm completely satisfied with the new look or the name yet, so I'm open to suggestions if you have any. I'm trying to give myself a daily reminder to appreciate the small things. Anyway, I'll try to write something of substance at another time, but for now, let me know how you like the new look, I was trying to simplify...I strive to make things as simple as possible these days...ha...I don't think it is working because instead of using one of bloggers templates which would have changed up the look in about 5 minutes, I had to find a template and then mess around with it to get it to my liking (or at least to an acceptable point). I guess there is always tomorrow to try to simplify things. I'll be back to write about my rekindled love hate relationship and more about the kids (of course), but for now I'm off to watch 24 with the hubby.

claire...

Please if you have time say some prayers for little Claire. If you are unaware of who Claire is, she is the 1 year old daughter of my high school classmate and friend. Last year she was diagnoised with cancer, her first round of treatment went well, but it seems now she needs some more prayers. Go here to read for yourself and please keep that beautiful little girl in your prayers.
Thanks everyone!

quick post...

Hello all...just wanted to write a quick post to update you on Bryce's check up that he had last Thursday. He is doing very well, eating like a champ (now that he is on formula) and as of last Thursday he weighs 8lbs 10.5oz! We were shocked. We knew he had put on weight...but were amazed by those numbers. He is in the 15th percentile for his age, so he is still on the small side, but he's catching up. I know I have much to update and pictures to upload...I hope to maybe get the pictures uploaded tonight (no promises). I actually do have a lot to write about but just haven't had time to put down any coherent thoughts. Plus I'm hoping to get a new look to this little blog in the near future as well. Stay tuned...but until then...here is a picture of the kids from today.

christmas 2008...

Wow, can it really be over already. Does it seem to anyone else that Christmas comes and goes extremely fast these days? Granted this year was not exactly typical for us, but still, it seems like we just got the tree and decorations up and now its time to put them away. We had a good Christmas. Brianna really enjoyed the whole thing and was so excited with her gifts. We went to Crystal Lake on Christmas Eve to spend time with Bob's family and go to church with them (yes we took Bryce to church even though we weren't really supposed to). Christmas day we spent at home in our pjs, playing games, putting together puzzles, napping, reading. All-in-all a perfect day. We are heading to Iowa on Wednesday to round out our holidays for 2008, we are looking forward to seeing family and having Bryce meet his Aunt Angie, Uncle Nick, Braden & Jackson. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas surrounded by your loved ones. We wish you all a happy and healthy 2009!

fattening him up...

I'm baaaack! Things are slowly getting into a routine around here (very slowly). We took Bryce to the doctor yesterday afternoon for a weight check. The infant nurse said his coloring looked fantastic and he's weighing in at 5lbs 15oz. She said he was doing amazing. (Which we already knew!) For someone who wasn't interested in eating at all when we first brought him home, that is all he wants to do now. No one has been sleeping very well lately, Bryce has his days/nights mixed up and I think Brianna is feeling a little insecure because she has been waking up in the middle of the night and crawling into our bed. Bryce is in our room in a bassinette and I think she is feeling a little left out in her room. But we are slowly but surely trying to get into a decent routine and are looking forward to spending lots of quality time together over the next 3 weeks. Bob has a couple of weeks of vacation he is taking and he is taking his 2nd week of family leave the week after the 1st, so we'll have some family time together which I'm totally looking forward to. Other than that not too much going on here. I'll leave you with a couple of pictures of the kids, Brianna really does love her brother!

love comes in all sizes...

I've read about Love Thursday for a while now, but haven't ever participated until now. After the crazy week we've had, I could not let this Love Thursday pass me by without sharing photos of 2 of the loves of my life. They have made me a better person, more patient and more kind. The have made me a mom, and dispite all of the frustrations that come along with it, there is no job I'd rather have than mom to these two beautiful babies. Happy Love Thursday!

home again...

We are home, we actually got home yesterday. Bryce was doing much better on Sunday so they shut the bili lights off and watched him to make sure his numbers didn't rebound. We stayed in the hospital Saturday night in a courtesy room, but Sunday night decided we would come home and get some sleep and take Brianna to daycare on Monday to give her some sort of "normal" back as she had been shuffled around all week. We got to the NICU about 9am on Monday and saw that he was doing well. The doctor said he'd probably be released around noon, so we did his 9 o'clock feeding and hung out with him. Because of his high bili numbers the had to retest his hearing, apparently high bili levels can damage the nerves in the ears. On the first round his right ear didn't pass, so they retested him before he left and he passed. Yay! His weight yesterday at discharge was just under 5lbs. He's on a pretty strict feeding schedule right now, and did really well with it yesterday. Today we took him in to see the infant nurse and his bili level was around 9-10 and his weight was a whopping 5lbs 6oz! Almost up to his birth weight, woo hoo. He has to go back in a week for another weight check but everything looks good. It has been such a whirlwind these last 6-7 days since he decided he was ready to enter the world. But having him home now and doing so well is great. I'm tired (as you will see when you see our Christmas cards...don't mind how washed out I look! :))
I know my last post was probably a little overly dramatic, I knew he was going to be fine, and I in no way want to compare myself to those parents who watch their child/children in the NICU day after day, I fully realize it is not the same situation at all. But walking into the NICU was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Thoughts of Dale & Suzanne flooded into my mind, walking by all the isolettes with the tiniest of babies, it tore at my heart in ways I could never imagine. I think my emotions and tears had more to do with all of them than it did with Bryce. As Dale said the NICU is God's way of showing you how helpless you are. The doctors and nurses in the NICU were so wonderful, I think it takes a special kind of person to work there, and they were such a comfort to us during our short time there. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words of encouragement during the last week...it means so much to us.
So, now that we're all home and Bob goes back to work tomorrow (for a week and a half), I'm hoping to sort of get into a routine, it seems like everytime I pick something up or do dishes there is suddenly another mess to clean up or another pile of dishes to do. I'm trying my best to get our Christmas cards done and Bryce's birth announcements...but we'll see :).
I'll hopefully be back blogging soon...but I think sleep may take priority for a few days!
Have a great week everyone!

(Dale I linked to you in my post...I think that means you need a new post now! :)

helpless...

Is there anything worse than feeling helpless when it comes to your children? Bryce is jaundiced and his levels are high enough and his weight loss is great enough that he has landed himself in the NICU for a couple of days (most likely). He went for a checkup this morning after being discharged yesterday and Bob had to take him to outpatient lab to have his billyruben (sp?) checked. The called us an hour or so later and informed us that we needed to take him back to the hospital to be admitted. He has lost about 9oz since birth (about 10% of his weight) and his billyruben level was at 16. So he was admitted this afternoon/evening and is enjoying some time in an isolette under the lights. There is nothing we can do except sit there an watch him. I wish so much I could make it all better, wondering if there is something I could have/should have done differently. My head knows that he is going to be fine and that if you need to have your baby in the NICU, this is probably the best thing to have. But my heart is breaking.

surprise...

So, I guess I made a liar of myself with my post yesterday. Turns out I will not be pregnant mid-January, actually I won't even be pregnant mid-December. Yesterday my water broke. We arrived at the hospital about 6:30pm and after the confirmation of the fact that my water did in fact break, we settled in for our stay. IV was started, antibiotics were given (strep B test didn't have time to come back so antibiotics are given as a precaution), and pitocin was started. Labor progressed and about 1am I had my first round of drugs. It was very strange, I could still feel the contractions and it didn't lessen the pain, but I certainly didn't care about the contractions! I got my epidural around 3:30am, and tried to sleep, but only got about 10 minutes here or there for the next 3 hours. 6:30am, I started feeling contractions, not so good for me, I got a booster (or something) for my epidural, and that made me sick and I still could feel the contractions, the baby had some heart arithmias and between 6:30 and 7 am the baby was ready to enter the world. Two pushes later, he arrived. He was checked over by the neonatoligist due to the arithmias, but everything looks fine. So, without further ado...we are pleased to introduce the newest member of our family...

Bryce Robert Carroll was born at 7:12am (the same time his mommy was born, oh so many years ago), weighing in at 5lbs 7oz, 19 inches long. We could not be happier that this little man is part of our family. Thank you all for the emails, texts, and comments you've left us, we feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives.

*attempting to upload pictures to shutterfly...should be up soon*

baby c update...

Just a quick update on baby C's progress. I had an ultrasound today and all looks good. They are estimating baby's weight around 6lbs 1oz, (but can swing 12oz either way...accurate huh?). Anyway, we're still chugging along. When the ultrasound tech was trying to get a profile shot for us, the baby had his/her lips puckered up...it was adorable. The tech just laughed and said "look at those lips!" I'm starting my once a week appointments next week...the countdown is really on now. It is funny to think that Brianna was born at 36 weeks 2 days which would be this Friday for Baby C...guess we'll wait and see what happens. Although I'm fully expecting to still be pregnant mid-January. :o)
Happy Tuesday everyone!

weekend wrap-up...

See, told you I'd be back soon! :o) So, the rest of the weekend was a mix of hectic and relaxing. Saturday Brianna had a birthday party to go to at Chuck-E-Cheese. She had a great time running around and playing with the kids, going on the rides and playing games. She finally crashed after we got home. After her nap and stuffing ourselves on Thanksgiving left-overs, we put up our Christmas tree, which she really loved, she was actually a pretty big help putting up the ornaments this year. She's very excited to have the tree up and keeps asking when Santa is bringing her baby. (Thanks mom for that :o) I'm not sure which she is more excited about the baby, or Santa coming. Bob got the outside decorations up yesterday afternoon (he is the best!). so I think all of our decorations are up, which is exciting! Today Brianna and I made a paper chain to count down the days until Christmas, she loves doing projects, so it was fun for both of us. Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures while we were doing the project, I was enjoying it too much. So, I will leave you with this one picture of her napping after the party. She got those glasses in her goodie bag and now puts them on to "read". What a kid...gotta love her.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and have a great week! I have an ultrasound and doctor's appointment on Tuesday, so I'll try to update after that.

grateful...

So, I guess it has been a little while since I've posted. We're still chugging along. We had a good Thanksgiving. Although it was a tad bittersweet for me, as we were supposed to be in Iowa, but decided to stick close to home in case Baby Carroll decided to make his/her appearance early. But other than a lot of heartburn, insomnia, and being very uncomfortable, things are quite calm on the baby front. Thankfully, Bob's parents came over on Thursday and then again on Friday along with Brian and Mary, so I had some distractions to avoid thinking about not being with my family. It is not like I never see my family, but when for the first 23 years of your life you spend every holiday, special occasion with them, and then for the next 5 develop a system where you get to spend every other holiday with them, and then suddenly everything changes (although the reason for the disruption in the plans is a good one and one we're very excited about), it is hard to readjust. Anyway, I know that we'll be together soon enough, and that the new addition to our family will be a wonderful reason to be together. We have so much to be thankful for this year, we are blessed in so many ways, with the friends that we have, who would do anything for us, for the family who loves us unconditionally, for the beautiful little girl who sometimes, we think, is trying to drive us insane, but also makes us laugh on a daily basis, for this new baby, who I am certain is going to bring just as much joy to our life, and (in my case) for Bob, I couldn't get through the day without him. He keeps me going when I don't think I can, and he supports me and loves me unconditionally, for this I am truly thankful. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and have a blessed holiday season. I can't believe that 2008 is soon wrapping up, when it seems as if it just started. I'll be back soon with more updates of our weekend and a picture (and yes I only have 1).
Lots of love from our family to yours!

34 weeks and all is well...

Yesterday was my 34 week checkup. Things are still looking good nothing exciting or eventful going on. It is strange for me to think that my 34 week checkup with Brianna was my last doctor's appointment. The morning of my 36 week checkup my water broke. So I am actually kind of heading into unchartered territory for me (well almost). I sound silly when I talk about how nervous these last few weeks make me. People look at me like I'm crazy, I have a 3-year-old, how can I not know what to expect? But Brianna's birth wasn't very typical. There was no timing of contractions, no wondering if it is too soon to go to the hospital, I actually don't even know that I had any contractions (not even Braxton Hicks) before they induced labor at the hospital. This whole pregnancy has been a new experience for me, this baby moves all the time, Brianna was fairly inactive during her time inside (she's making up for it now), everything is just so different. Anyway, I'll keep you updated on how things go, but for now...here are my comparative belly shots. The one on the left is 34(ish) weeks with Brianna, and obviously the right is today (picture taken by Brianna). Happy Friday everyone!

more changes...

No, it is not twins! :) Things have been a little bit hectic around here lately, we've been gone the last couple weekends (I know you are all shocked) but now we are home pretty much until the baby comes. I guess that is to say we have no official plans to travel over the next 2 months. The biggest thing going on around here is that I have officially resigned at my current job. My last day will be December 19th, I gave them a couple months notice so as to give them a chance to find my replacement before tax season hit. I know it seems silly in this economy to give up a decent job, but for us right now it was the right decision. I'm looking forward to spending time with the new baby and Brianna. I went back to work when Brianna was 5 weeks old, so I still, 3 years later, feel like I missed out on a lot when she was a baby. In reality, the timing of this baby and the nature of my job, I would basically miss out on the first 4-5 months of this baby's life. My job is pretty consuming (especially during tax season), and there is just no way I can do it. I've been there almost 6 years, so this was a tough decision for me, and I am definitely going to miss a lot of the people I have come to know over the last 6 years, but I'm excited about the new turn life is going to take. I probably will not remain home forever, but for the first few months at least I will be focused on the kids.

I guess that is the biggest change going on with us, but in other good news Brianna is potty trained. She has been for a little while, I just didn't want to jinx us! I'm enjoying not changing diapers (at least for a little bit of time :)

Today was our first Saturday at home in a while and we spent the day going to the library, going to Target, and making cookies and cupcakes. It has been a fun day for the most part (except that a certain 3-year-old hasn't napped at all). But we're enjoying our time together and we're trying to enjoy the last few weeks of us being a family of 3 before our new arrival comes!

I had a doctor's appointment last Thursday and all is well, I go back in 2 weeks, hopefully everything stays on course. I'm getting a bit uncomfortable (I don't remember being this uncomfortable with Brianna) but thankfully we are both healthy and that is all I can ask for.

Hope you all have a great weekend, and I'll hopefully be posting more in the near future.

happy halloween...

From Our Kitchen to Yours,

Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!

Lots of Love!

perfect weekend...

After yesterday's heavy post...I'm going to indulge you all in some gratuitous "cute kid" pictures. We had a great time at the pumpkin farm yesterday, Brianna & Braden went on pony rides, which they both loved, and Jackson was the perfect little man (like always).


Braden and Brianna decorated their pumpkins and worked together on decorating Jackson's.


We did attempt to take pictures of the kids all in their Halloween costumes (I say attempt, because well, we weren't very successful in having 3 smiling kids in a single picture), but I won't be posting them until Halloween, per Bob's instructions. But trust me when I say there are no 3 cuter kids (not that I'm biased). The kids just have so much fun playing together, although our house quite possibly has toys laying on the floor in every single room of the house I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Sunday Everyone!

on my mind...

Ever since reading this post last night I've found myself mentally writing a blog post (go on read it, I promise you it is worth your time...I'll wait). Now, when I do that it rarely turns into what I want it to, and it almost never comes out in my writing the way it sounds in my head, but I'm going to take a stab at it anyway, since I've already sort of scratched the surface of this subject with a previous post, I'll just continue on this train of thought.

The one place my experience differs from the woman in the blog post is that growing up I don't ever remember hearing my mom say anything negative about herself. I'm sure she did (she is a woman after all), but it is not something that shaped the way I thought about myself. I never felt anything but unconditional love come from my mom and dad, my whole family in fact. I never felt like thin was beautiful and anything but thin was not. I'm sure that my hatred of the way I looked was a gradual thing, something that started to really affect me on a deep level in high school. Don't get me wrong...I had some great friends in high school, some of whom I'm still grateful to have as friends to this day, but I never really felt like I "fit in" in high school. I wouldn't say I technically had an eating disorder, but I was definitely walking a very fine line of doing some serious damage to my body. I would go for days and have little more than a can of pop and a granola bar each day. I would go to volleyball practice and fight to maintain my balance because (I would imagine) that my blood sugar was just so low. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. When I went to college, I knew not a single soul on that campus, it was so out of my comfort zone, I wasn't sure I'd make it there. But in reality, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I probably felt the most comfortable with myself when I was in college, even though I was the heaviest I had ever been (weird huh?). I think alot of it just had to be because I finally felt I was in a place where I belonged, as hard as it was...I was right where I was supposed to be.

Fast forward a few years, when I truly hit rock bottom and decided I needed to change my life, because I was not happy, and that I was truly the only one who could make me happy. A lot of that came about because of having Brianna. I look at my beautiful daughter, and do not ever want her to think that she is anything less than beautiful, because she is. I adore the fact that she will run around in underwear and dress shoes and "tap" dance in front of the mirror. I love her little belly and her cheeks.

However, I'm fully aware of the fact that when I get dressed in the morning and turn to see how my butt looks in my jeans and how (in my mind) huge I look from the side, that she mimics me. I'm all too aware that her favorite thing to do in the bathroom is step on the scale (probably because she has seen me do it so many times). These things hurt me, I don't want her consumed with her weight or the numbers on the scale, I don't want her to have the distorted self image I have, but I'm unsure how to stop it. I tell her how beautiful she is, both inside and out...but is that enough? I know that until I understand and "fix" my behavior my words will have no meaning to her. It is a constant battle for me, but I know it is something I have to keep battling, so that my daughter doesn't have to.

As I was watching the Biggest Loser the other night, the woman who got voted off said something that really hit home with me. She said something to the effect of "my husband has always told me that I'm beautiful, but now (after losing weight) I finally believe him." That statement is heartbreaking to me. I know it, I feel it...but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. How can we become so distorted in our view and thinking that we cannot believe that the person we chose to spend our life with finds us beautiful? And how hurtful must that be to the person that loves us?

I have realistic goals for myself, I know I will never be a size 2, I know that I will never be what anyone considers "skinny" and that is fine by me. I want to be able to play with my children, I want to watch them get married and have children of their own someday...and even more simply I want to look in the mirror and actually see my true reflection, and not the image I have made up in my head, when my husband says "you are beautiful" I want to say "thank you" without my first thought being "yeah right!", and maybe most importantly I want my daughter (well all my children) to know how beautiful she is both inside and out.

So, how do I make this happen? How do I protect my daughter (all my children) from feeling like they are anything less than beautiful? I wish I knew...but you can be sure I'm going to do everything I can (most importantly dealing with my own issues) until I figure it out.

*I know this probably has a ton of errors in it, but I'm posting it before I lose my nerve to post it at all, putting it out there, seems to make it all a little less scary for me and helps me regain some control over something I feel has taken so much control from me (make sense? yeah doesn't to me either...but that is the wonderful workings of my brain!)*

bring on the weekend...

Ahh...how I love Fridays! This week has been completely insane at work, with the personal deadline for those who had extended back in April. I did about 15 tax returns in 2 days (which may not seem like alot, but most of the people that have extended don't have the easiest returns, businesses, rental properties, etc) By Wednesday night I was mentally and physically exhausted. Anyway, enough about work, it is the weekend! Angie, Nick and the boys are on their way here for the weekend and we're heading to the pumpkin farm tomorrow with the kids, with the plan to carve pumpkins tomorrow afternoon. We're all excited to have visitors and hopefully it'll be a fun, relaxing weekend for all!

I'll leave you with Brianna's school picture. My baby is growing up!


Have a great weekend all! I'll hopefully post lots of pictures at the end of the weekend!

the long awaited pictures...

First, here is the belly picture. 27 weeks and counting (yes, my belly has tripled in size since the last picture...or at least it seems like it). (The picture on the left is me 26 weeks pregnant with Brianna for comparison purposes...not the most flattering shirt)



















Next, here are a couple pictures of the kids playing Wii. Cow racing is serious business! I unfortunately didn't capture the funniest thing, after the race is over the "mii" that wins jumps up and down with their arms in the air and the one that loses hangs his/her head and is very sad. Well the kids have perfected these looks (thankfully they are pretty evenly matched so they each get their fair share of happy and sad) Anyway, after they get done being happy or sad, the look at each other and say "I gonna win this time!" too cute....gotta love 'em!

(I tried to post a video of the kids dancing while Nick was playing Guitar Hero, but it wasn't working...I'll try again later)
Happy Friday everyone!

behind...

How is it that at 10:37 am on a Monday morning...I am already behind? We were in Iowa for the weekend visiting my parents (my sister and her family as well). We did pretty much nothing, there were no big plans, no parties to attend and really no where to go. So how the heck is it Monday already? The weekend went really fast and I think I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have because I kept thinking that it is the last time I will be back there until after the baby comes. I realize that is only like 3 months away, but we try really hard to visit my parents at least once a month, and it is something I've come to rely on to re-energize me and to help me escape the stress of day-to-day life. I know they are planning to visit here (hopefully) before the baby comes and after of course...but for some reason it is just not the same. There is something about stepping into that house and seeing my parents, sister, and her family, that makes the weight lift off my shoulders. I normally can relax and have fun and feel genuinely happy for the whole time I am there. This past weekend I had fun and was happy, but as I look back on it, it was clouded by the thought of not being able to do it again for a while. The reality of not being in Iowa for Thanksgiving, and probalby not for New Year's is hitting me. That has always been the hardest part of living here for me, missing those family holidays. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, because we've developed a system that is working for us, that is not to say I don't miss having Christmas with my parents when it is an "Illinois" Christmas, and vice versa with Bob's parents, but its managable. This year however, with the baby's estimated arrival and the fact that Brianna was born 4 weeks early, I don't want to chance driving to Iowa for Thanksgiving and that throwing me into early labor. So, we have no Iowa holidays this year. I'm bummed, more bummed than I should be I think. We have been wonderfully blessed this year, but it has also been a very stressful year, so I think the holiday thing has just pushed me over the edge. I guess I just have a serious case of the Monday's today.

Anyway, onto other things...I am behind posting my 26 week belly picture, and I have some cute pictures from this weekend of Braden & Brianna playing Wii.

I'm off to shake off this mood, (well probably not...I am at work :)) But I guess I should get some work done, I guess that's what they pay me for. I'll post pictures soon!

Happy Birthday Abbie! I promise you 27 isn't so bad. :)

monday is kicking my butt...

This morning did not start out well at all. We're talking major melt-down, tantrum throwing, screaming, horrible kind of morning. This was the kind of morning that makes me want to break down and cry or run away (I usually choose the former, people sort of frown upon running away from your 3 year old). OK...so I would never really run away, but I've been on edge about alot of things lately, and I guess it just came to a head this morning with the horrible tantrum over nothing. I was mad at myself for losing my patience and yelling, but it is really hard to remain calm when wrestling a 3 year old into clothes when you are already running late. She has been slightly difficult lately, she says she "wants to listen" to us, but then throws a fit when we ask her to do the smallest thing. I'm sure it is just a product of her age and trying to see what she can get away with, but it is getting on my very last nerve. We had a (mostly) great weekend, playing puzzles and building with blocks, watching the rain, so I hate that today started this way. I know what a wonderful, charming, intelligent, kind, silly little girl she can be, that is why I get so frustrated when she acts like a demon child. It is a good thing I have things like this to make me forget about the bad stuff, and only remember that wonderful, charming, intelligent, kind, silly little girl. How can you not fall in love with that face over and over again? Today has been a challenge, but tomorrow will be better.

summer round up...

Well, it has been a little while since I've posted. So here is the short and sweet version of what we've been up to. We headed to the zoo a few weeks ago with some friends from college and their two boys. The boys are about Brianna's age and the kids had a blast together running around and looking at animals. It was pretty hot the day we went...so most of the animals weren't very active, but it was still fun to see them all. It has been a long time since I've been at a zoo, and we've never taken Brianna to one, so it was a fun experience for all of us. Then, Bob had his Club Championship at Crystal Woods on Sunday and Monday (Labor Day). He didn't play as well as he would have liked, and in in the end he ended up in third place. His dad won for the 16th time! Here is a picture of him with all 16 of his trophies.

Brianna and I then made a trip to visit some friends while Bob was having a weekend golf outing with some of his friends in WI. Brianna had a great time playing with Lily and Ella, and I had a wonderful time talking to Holly! Holly took some pictures of Brianna and I together, here is one of my favorites, check the rest of them out at Lily Bella Photography! This weekend has been interesting for us. One, we're actually at home, and two, in the last two days more rain has fallen in the last two days in this area than in Chicagoland history. We've experienced flooding, our street and the streets leading to ours are actually closed, my car has been parked on the closest "non-closed" street since last night. There is no way that Bob would actually make it out of our street in his car...it is ridiculous! Our neighbors were actually paddling boats in the street yesterday. (its not really that deep...people were just trying to "enjoy" the water I guess). Thankfully, no water has come into our house, it has stayed on the street and our lawn.

Brianna had her first playdate today (my baby is growing up!) and had a ton of fun playing with 2 of her friends from school. That pretty much sums up the excitement around here. I'm in the process of uploading pictures for the last few weeks, so check them out when you get a chance. I'll try to post more soon, things have just been crazy with work and us being gone, we've only got a few more things planned before we spend some time at home, waiting for baby to arrive! It is going to be here before we know it, and Brianna for one can't wait! :) Hope you are all well and thanks for checking in on us!

baby update...

As of yesterday I am 22 weeks along. We (and by we I mean I) had my ultrasound today. Everything looks great with the baby, growing exactly as it should. The doctor said if she had 100 babies at this gestational age (their measurements) ours would be right smack dab in the middle, so not too big, not too small, just perfect (growth wise...in attitude...well that remains to be seen). We took Brianna to the ultrasound with us, and she waved at the screen and said "Hi!" to baby. The other day on the way to daycare she stopped what she was doing looked up and said "Mommy, I can't wait until my baby gets here". I'm glad she is excited, hopefully she'll still feel the same way after the baby's arrival. No, we didn't find out the sex of the baby, even the doctor doesn't know because the ultrasound tech took no pictures of the area. Other than that not too much to report, we (the baby and I)are both healthy...so that is all we could really ask for. OK...back to work. Thanks for checking in!

thankful...

I figured after my last couple posts I owed you, my faithful readers, (all 2 of you) a few cute pictures, and an update on my evening. Shortly after I posted my last post, the 3 year old tornado came running through the door shouting "mommy! Mommy!" and wrapped her little arms around me. I know this sounds corny, but I absolutely felt the frustration of my day melt away with that hug and that precious smiling face. I had promised her that she could help me make brownies tonight, so she immediately asked if we could make brownies. I've been on a bit of a baking kick lately (and by baking kick I mean I've made bars/brownies the last 2 nights) which considering I've baked nothing (with the exception of B's birthday cake) in about the last 8 months, is a lot for me. I tend not to bake much when I'm trying hard to watch what I eat, because while my willpower is fairly strong...I am human (and I'm a pretty decent baker/cook), so if homemade stuff is around I tend to eat it. Now, Bob buys cookies when he goes to the grocery store...and those very rarely get touched by me (only if I'm extremely desperate and even then I'll usually not eat anything than eat that stuff...weird I know). But I digress, anyway, last night Brianna helped me make chocolate chip cookie bars and tonight we made caramel brownies. She had a blast helping and it was fun for me too.



Child labor-unwrapping caramels

waiting for the brownies to get done baking....and testing last nights creation.

Over the weekend we headed to the Quad Cities (yes again) to take Brianna to the Minus Six show. By now I'm sure you know that she LOVES Minus Six and was so excited to see them in person. Even though she played shy and wouldn't take a picture with any of the guys, she had a great time dancing (and by dancing, I mean Bob holding her and dancing) and really enjoyed Matt playing the sax by her, even though she buried her head in Bob's shoulder. I had to post this picture of her and Alli, because it is so cute.


Anyway, even though I'm still a tad frustrated (I know...I'm trying to let it go), after reading this I feel extremely blessed and thankful for all that I have in my life. Now if you'll excuse me...I'm going to go cuddle with my hubby and the three year old tornado.

frustrated...

Do you ever have those days where everything you do is just frustrating? I've been having one of those weeks. I'm trying to focus in on the good, fun things that have happened this week, but the frustration just pulls me back in.

The things that are frustrating me are mostly other people's lack of concern of how their actions and words affect others. I would never call myself an optimist...I'm a realist...I try to prepare for the most realistic outcome so I'm not disappointed in whatever the outcome is, and am often pleasantly surprised. (OK, I know most people that know me well would say I'm actually a pessimist). But honestly, I really only prepare for the most realistic outcomes when it comes to myself. I still to this day expect the best for the people around me, I'm the one that says "everything will turn out OK in the end" and I truly believe that. I try always to put others happiness in front of my own, and I believe that 95% of the time I'm very conscious of how my actions and words will affect those around me. So, it honestly to this day surprises me when I run into people that really only think about how things affect themselves.

I have to deal with one of these people every single day, and after all this time, day after day...I expect something different from this person, and day after day, I am disappointed. Everyday when I see this person thinking of only their needs, in this moment, and never seeing the bigger picture, and never seeing how this attitude is poisioning those around him/her, it frustrates, saddens, and most of all hurts me. I don't understand after all this time why this person doesn't see that we're all on the same team, all striving for the same goal, and in the end the actions they are taking are causing everything we've been working so hard for crumble.

So that is me in a nutshell today...frustrated.

I'm off to spend some time with my family and to try to relax and enjoy the evening. Tomorrow is a new day...here is to less frustration.
Oh...ultrasound is tomorrow...I'll post after the fun is over :)

weekend update...

Bob was off for the weekend golfing and having a fantasy football draft with some college buddies, so it was just Miss B and I for the weekend. We actually had a really good time, and I only got frustrated with her a couple times! :) Like I've said before, the girl knows how to push my buttons. We spent some time at the pool, went to the store, watched movies and ate popcorn (her favorite) and fell asleep cuddled up on the couch.
Yesterday, Bob and Nancy took her up to the lake to swim and play in the sand, so I enjoyed some time to myself. I aimlessly wandered around Target only picking up a couple things, one thing for Brianna that I was unsure about (a sleepingbag/backpack thing) but it was on clearance, and it was cute, only to find out after Bob got home he had been thinking about getting her something like that as well. (Yay!) After I got home from Target I did a quick clean of the house (by clean...I mean picked up all the crap laying around) and gave myself a pedicure and took a nap. I was planning on going to get a pedicure, but then I decided I was too cheap, and just did it myself, and painted Brianna's toes after she got home.
We missed Bob a lot over the weekend, but it was nice to get to spend some one-on-one time with Brianna. And while the weekend didn't involve wine for me, it did involve M&M's so it was very much a perfect weekend.

One funny story from the weekend, we're working really hard on potty training, but the girl is stubborn (side note...why is it that every time I have a story about Brianna I feel the immediate urge to call my parents and tell them I'm sorry? Yes, the girl is THAT much like me). Anyway, I was trying to get her to go upstairs to the bathroom, and she just wasn't having any of it. She is a 12 year old trapped in a 3 year old's body...she rolled her eyes at me and sighed in a way that said "but mooooom, it is so far up those 15 stairs to the bathroom!" so I carried her upstairs...she was like a sack of potatoes, complete dead weight. I put her on the potty and she slumped over. I was so irritated, but it was hilarious at the same time. The only time she used any muscles at all was to look up at me and smile. What a girl!

Have a good week all!

the unappealing part...

I started reading Jodie's blog right after Abbie started her blog (do you see how I started reading so many blogs...it started out so innocently). Anyway, I really enjoy Jodie's blog not only because she is an extremely talented photographer and I love looking at her pictures, but because I admire her honesty when it comes to her three adorable children (who are by the way all aged 3 and under) and life in general.
The reason I bring this all up (I swear I have a point) is because about a month ago, Jodie wrote this post challenging her readers to photograph and blog about the unappealing parts of their lives. The dirty dishes, the laundry laying around...you know, generally the stuff you prefer no one knows about or sees. This is part of the honesty that I love about a great deal of the blogging community.
Anyway, long story short...I never thought I would have the courage to post the "unappealing parts" of my life. But tonight, here it is. While this is not dishes in the sink, laundry, etc. This is the part of my life I don't generally want people to see. I mean, they probably see it, but looking at these pictures side by side is quite a different story.
Are you confused yet? See the most unappealing part of my life has also brought me some of my proudest personal moments over the last year and a half. Anyone that knows me in real life is probably aware of this struggle I have with my weight, while I generally don't openly talk about it, it is always there, in the back of my mind...the "ugly" part of my life. Unfortunately, it infiltrates too much of my life. In an effort to regain some control of the ugly...here it is.

The first picture (red dress) was taken in October of 2006. The second, in November of 2007. And finally the third (black dress) was taken in March of 2008. Obviously, since the last picture I became pregnant and am having a difficult time watching the scale move upward. I know it is necessary, and I know I will regain some control of my body after this baby comes, but somedays that doesn't make it any easier.

That is it, that is my unappealing part (the first picture) and my slow progression to make it not the most unappealing part of my life...I'm guessing it is not exactly what Jodie was thinking when she wrote that post, but it is how I applied it to my life and myself. I'm hoping by putting this out there I can let go of some of the control it has over me.

(told you the tone of some of the posts were going to change :)

Here is to a new week...full of possibilities!

i have a secret...

OK, I probably have more than one, but here it is...I'm a blog junkie. I read on average 25 blogs a day (that is probably a low estimate :). Most of those are ones I read on a regular basis (ie. every day) but sometimes my regular blog reading takes me to other blogs, that a lot of times take me to new blogs that may or may not add to my regular blog reading. Anyway, I'm straying away from my point here...the point is, I love reading blogs. I love hearing about other people's experiences with their children and their lives, it makes me feel normal. It somehow validates those days where I'm so frustrated that I want to run away. Of course I never will, but it makes me feel like I have company during those days.

Some days its really hard for me to write here, because I feel like no one wants to read about the tough parts of life, they just come for the cute pictures of Brianna and the funny stories. But to me that gets boring, the interesting stuff is the way we handle the tough days, the frustrations along with the triumphs. It makes me appreciate the good days even more.

So, with that, the tone of some of the posts may change. I will still post cute pictures of Brianna and tell funny stories and update with the general stuff that is going on with us, but I'm also going to be posting some of the frustrations, fears, and other stuff (for lack of a better term) that accompanies our day-to-day life.

I hope you keep reading, I hope you comment, I hope you laugh, I hope that if you're frustrated, afraid, or just plain tired, you'll find some solace in the things I'm going to write.

she's a big girl now...

Part of Brianna's birthday present from us (OK...a big part) was a brand new "big-girl" bed. Her crib converted into a daybed, which is what she has been sleeping in for quite some time, but with the baby coming, we needed to reclaim the crib. Anyway, the plan was for us to put together her bed on Friday when we got back from vacation and surprise her with it when we got home from Jake's party on Saturday.

She loved it! Her face was so adorable when she saw it. She laid in it for a long time just smiling. She was excited to sleep in it last night (thats what we were hoping for, maybe bedtime won't be such a big challenge for a while.) Anyway, we are all very excited about her new bed, now if we could just get this potty thing worked out...life would be fantastic!

OK...I'm off to play legos now...I'm posting pictures from vacation, the party and her new bed as we speak, so be patient. But I'll leave you with a couple from her reaction to her new bed.

party at the lake...

We went to Bob and Nancy's yesterday before the birthday party so Bob could regrip some clubs before his upcoming golf/fantasy football trip (is it really time for that again?). So, that is the first time we had seen Brianna in a week...we were greeted at the door by her smiling face and a chorus of "MOMMY! DADDY!" and tons of hugs and kisses.

Then we headed up to the lake and attended Jake's 6th birthday party. It was a great party, they had tons of games for the kids, waterballoon toss, bozo buckets, a pinata, and even a treasure hunt. Brianna had a fabulous time, even though she was extremely tired. Unfortunately it was pretty windy and cool at the lake so she didn't get to go in the water like she wanted, but she did manage to play in the sand for quite some time. :)

Everyone was pretty tired when we got home, but we did manage to play with almost every new toy she got for her birthday before bedtime.

vacation...

So, after Brianna's birthday party at my parents house, Bob, Nancy, Brian, & Mary took Brianna back to Crystal Lake for the week. Bob and I headed to Galena to spend the week relaxing and playing golf (Bob). We rented a little place in Eagle Ridge and had a wonderful time. Bob golfed, I read (4 books...I don't know the last time I did that, or had the chance to do that). We spent one afternoon walking around Galena and visiting the shops. Picking out a couple little things for Brianna.
One of which is this shirt which we found completely adorable and hysterical. (Brianna loved it too). We stayed Sunday through Friday morning and are both a little sad about going back to work tomorrow. I think I could use a week at home catching up on all the stuff that needs to be done around here, as I'm sitting in the living room with the sun streaming in the windows and illuminating the plethora of cobwebs and dust in here. All-in-all it was a great vacation, but we did miss Brianna a lot. Unfortunately, she did get sick while we were away. :( Thankfully, it only lasted 24 hours and she was back to her old self. We are happy to be back home, I missed the craziness and the noise of our little 3 year old tornado.

brianna's birthday...

How is it possible that this little girl is 3? (Although most days she thinks she is 12). We had a great weekend in Iowa. Friday was the Relay for Life, we stayed all night...but I'm not so sure we'll be doing that anymore...it totally messed up her sleeping for the entire weekend.

But it was fun, and always makes me think about how cancer has impacted my life and those of the people around me. On that thought...I don't think I have posted this but my friend from high school's little girl, Claire, had her last round of chemo last week. They did a CT scan a few weeks back and it showed...NO TUMOR! We are so happy and excited for them, we of course will keep them in our prayers so that little Claire stays healthy for a very long time.

Saturday, we had a few people over to break the pinata we got for Brianna, to have a little bit of a celebration on her actual birthday since we were having her party the next day. It was a lot of fun and the kids enjoyed the candy. :)

Sunday was Brianna's actual party and Grandma Nancy, Papa Bob, Brian, and Mary made the trip to IA to help her celebrate. Great-Grandma Kramer and Great-Grandma Felton were also there, and of course Papa Lester, Grandma Susan, Angie, Braden, and Jackson. We had a great time and Brianna was very spoiled.

Brianna headed back to Illinios with Papa Bob and Grandma Nancy, to spend the week with them. Bob and I headed to Galena for the week for a little vacation. We are so far enjoying ourselves, except for the thunderstorms that have been on and off all day. Bob did enjoy his first round of golf this afternoon, in between the storms. I have enjoyed a couple naps and a book and a half already (my idea of a perfect vacation).

Have a great week all!
Birthday pictures are uploading, but there are a few so it may take a while.

three...

Sweet Girl~

I know you didn't really think I'd let today go by without writing you my annual birthday post. (Not that you can read yet...but someday you'll be able to). This year has been so different from the last two, for one I usually have been working on this post for a couple of days before your birthday, instead of writing it on the fly like I'm doing tonight. For another, this is the last birthday where you will be our "only" baby.

I sit here and wonder how the last 3 years have gone so fast...how this stubborn little girl has grown to replace my chubby little baby. When I look at you, I still see that little baby, but that picture is quickly fading in my mind, and is being replaced by the girl you are becoming.

You and I don't always see eye-to-eye. Lots of people say this is because you are just like me...and that is probably true...don't tell anyone, but I know you are just like me, that's what scares me.

There are so many things I want to say to you, so many mistakes I'd love to keep you from making, so much pain I'd love to keep you from experiencing...but those things are all part of life and growing up. Everyday I watch you grow and become more independent, and yes you fall down and get hurt. But I hope that I've given you (and continue to give you) the courage to get up, dust yourself off, and learn from your mistakes. Most of all I hope you have faith in me that I will always be there to hug you, dry your tears, and encourage you to keep trying.

Being your mom has given me such immense joy over the last three years, even on the days where you've pushed me to my limits, because even on your worst days, when I look in your eyes I see my baby.

I hope you had a fun day today sweetheart, I know it was tough with the mixed up schedule, but I still hope it was the best birthday so far. You are so very very loved little girl.

I'm not sure that any of this makes sense (thats why I usually plan this better). But bottom line...you will always be my baby, my little girl, and I love you with all of my heart.

When you make your birthday wish tomorrow, I'll be making a wish too. That you stay little just a little bit longer...I know you want to be "bigger" but stay Mommy's little girl for a little while, OK?

I love you sweet girl.
Happy Birthday!
Love,
Mommy