gloomy tuesday...

So, here we are, another rainy day. I am in a funk. I think part of it is the weather, the cold, gray, rainy weather we've been having for what seems like forever. We've been cooped up in the house for what seems like an eternity. I know, I know...I could load the kids up and take them to the mall play area or to target and walk around...but the thought of bundling them up taking them out in the rain, wind, whatever...is not all that appealing.

I'm trying to think of stuff we can do that doesn't cost money, that doesn't involve hours of tv, and is short enough that we can do in between Bryce's feedings. While he is doing great at sleeping through the night, he makes up for the lack of eating by eating every 2 hours during the day. I probably should try to give him an extra ounce at each feeding, but he has a tendency to spit up, so I don't want to push it. Brianna has been having some set-backs. She had 4 accidents last week, and she wet the bed last night and had another accident today.

Beyond that, I think I'm just feeling a little burnt out. I love being home with my kids, but I feel like I never get 5 minutes to myself. The only time I get to myself is at the gym, but the gym is not a relaxing, enjoyable time for me. I go because I have to, and yes I feel good after I work out, but it is not the thing I would choose to do if I could do anything. The thing is is that I don't know what I want to do that is enjoyable anymore. I love to read, but I can't just sit in the house and read because if I am here, there is no quiet. And it seems silly to go somewhere else to read. I guess I need a hobby, but I don't even know where to start with that.

On top of all of this, I have to find time in the day to do my bookkeeping work and finish my transcription class, so any "free" time I do have I try to work on that stuff.

So, I am at an impasse, I need things to do with my kids, and I need to figure out something I can do to rejuvenate myself so I can be the kind of mom and wife I want to be. I am trying to come up with crafts that Brianna and I can do together, but am coming up short with ideas.

So, I'm posing some questions to you blog readers...
1. What are some of your craft ideas for a 3-year-old?
2. What do you do to give yourself some time to re-energize?
3. Have you experienced set-backs in potty training and what do you do about them?

hello again...

Well, I guess it has been a little bit since I've posted. Not too much going on, just the same old day-to-day stuff. I cannot wait for the weather to warm up so we can play outside, we've been playing lots of Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, and Memory lately also coloring and putting together puzzles. (All of which Brianna does better than me by the way). Other than that I've been busying myself with some work and trying to finish up my transcription class...I'm so close. I will be glad when I'm done. Naps as always are a battle with us, so it is really hard to get too much done during the day. We've got a few trips lined up for the next few weeks and I think March is going to fly by. Bryce has been doing really well sleeping (so I'm not sure why I'm so tired :)) I'm excited to take our little family on the road this weekend, it'll be nice to get out of the house and see some friends. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post after this weekend. Until then, I'll leave you with this picture of Bryce. (it was taken on my phone so it is not the best quality)

Sorry for this boring post, my brain is not functioning well. Hopefully I'll be back soon with something of more substance. :)

more prayers...

Just a quick note to ask you all to pray for another little girl we know. Bob plays volleyball and softball on his work team and through this we have gotten to know a couple who has a little girl who will turn 3 in April. Her name is Ashley and she and Brianna have become friends and enjoy running around together at the games. In early December Ashley was diagnosed with leukemia. In mid-January (I think) she went into remission, but has to have intensive chemo once a week until Halloween. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well as little Claire (there is a link to her caringbridge site on the left, if you want to keep up to date on her).

And with that I'm going to give you a link to my sister's Relay For Life donation page. As many of you know, we do the relay in Dyersville, Iowa every August. This year in addition to that my sister is getting involved in the Relay for Life in Wentzville, MO. If you can give, please do.

Health and love to you all.

happy valentine's day...

We are having a very low-key Valentine's day, hanging out at home, Bob is cooking dinner and I made dessert. Brianna has a bit of a cold, and we're both feeling a little burnt out still from having everyone last weekend and the mad rush of cleaning we did last week. Although it was completely worth it, but we need some time to recooperate now! :) My wonderful husband had flowers and candy sitting on the kitchen table when I woke up this morning, and after he got home from playing basketball I ran out to get him a card (nice planning huh). Brianna went with me and we wandered around Barnes and Noble for a while and then headed to Target. We got home and I started to work on our dessert and Bob and the kids took a nap (or at least he and Bryce took a nap).

Wishing you all a Valentine's Day filled with love and family, or at the very least, chocolate and dessert!

In my next life I aspire to be a pastry chef! :)

v-day crafts...

On our walk to Walmart on Tuesday I bought some construction paper and some foam letters/hearts/flowers. So yesterday after "naptime" (in which there were no actual naps that took place, but instead some quiet playing) we made and decorated some hearts. Other than a few foam pieces that the back didn't come off of well, it was an easy project that made Brianna happy because she got to use "stickers". As a side note I also bought her a pad of paper to draw in and by Wednesday afternoon she had drawn on every single page. She is our crazy little artist, always wanting to do projects, so I'm hoping the creative part of my brain starts working soon so we can have fun (hopefully inexpensive) things to do in the afternoons. Here are some pictures of our creations. (yes I made some too, what can I say...I love construction paper and stickers too! :))

thanks...

Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind comments about my post yesterday. I think I was just having a serious case of "mommy guilt" for whatever reason that day. I think some of it is just being cooped up in the house, but we're trying to get out when the weather is nice enough. I think I'm just frustrated with myself and thinking of anything I can to beat myself up more. BUT...I'm trying to take positive steps towards changing the negativity that consumes so much of my thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks.

baptism...

Bryce was baptized this past weekend at St. John the Evangelist church. It was a nice little ceremony with 2 other babies being baptized. The deacon that officiated is a very nice and energetic man and is very easy to listen to. He also explained a lot about the sacrament which was very nice. He had all the kids that were there come up and help to bless the water. It was very sweet and the kids really enjoyed it. Bryce slept through the whole thing. (Come to think of it, I believe Brianna also slept through her entire baptism.) My brother-in-law Nick and Brian's girlfriend, Mary, agreed to be Bryce's Godparents. We were very happy that they agreed, we are certain they are the two best people for the job! :) We had a small lunch/party here at the house after baptism and it was great to have everyone here. My parents brought my grandmas from Iowa and Angie and Nick and the boys made the trip from Missouri. Even Brian flew in from Florida. It was great to have everyone together and the day was perfect in every way. Thanks for all who where here to help us celebrate! We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family!

2 months...

Last night was Bryce's 2 month checkup.
As a side note, his appointment was at 8pm. Does anyone else's peditrician's take appointments that late, Bob said there was another appointment available at 8:40, that just seems so late. It was 9pm before we got out of there.
Anyway, he had his checkup and all looks good. He weighs 11lbs 8oz and is 22 3/4 inches long. Both of those are in the 34th percentile for his age. His head is still on the small side but the doctor said, he looks fine and maybe the only thing to keep an eye on is his development (which is fine for his age right now). He said that his head looked fine for his body and didn't seem concerned, so I am not. :) He was impressed with Bryce's sleeping habits. For the last 2 weeks or so he has been sleeping at least 8 hours a night, hopefully I didn't just curse us by typing that! The doctor also commented on how laid back Bryce was, he got through the whole exam without any fussing or even a whimper. He just let the doctor do his thing and was just looking around at everythign. Brianna was a pretty laid back baby as well although she is pretty high strung now! :) Bryce had 2 shots (it used to be more but they've combined a couple of the vaccines now) and some drops/vaccine for rotovirus. Which by reading Jodie's experiences with that, I will gladly give Bryce something to keep that out of my house (I don't know where the exact posts for it are, but look through her archives, you'll read good stuff and see excellent pictures in the process!) ! He of course cried with the shots, but recovered pretty well. He wants to be held a little more today, but that is fine by me :) Soon enough he won't even want to give me a hug so I'll take all the snuggling I can get right now.

Funny story about the nurse who gave Bryce the shots. She came in and introduced herself and Brianna said "it is nice to meet you". Sue (the nurse) looked at her and said "did you just say nice to meet you?" she laughed and then proceeded to talk to Brianna for the rest of the time. Brianna told her all about her doctor kit that she has and asked about the shots Bryce was getting. Then she (Brianna) looked at Bryce and said "Buddy, you were VERY good!" That child never ceases to amaze me.

days like these...

Every now and then I have a day where it seems like everything goes wrong. From the moment I get up until the moment I go to sleep. It is those days where I feel like I have failed, failed my children, failed my husband, failed myself. Those days I think back on everything and can only find fault in everything I have done. Lately a lot of those things come back to the 2 months since Bryce was born. And one of my biggest sources of guilt with him, breastfeeding. I had decided since I was going to be home with the kids after he was born to give it a shot. With Brianna I went back to work so early and just knew that wasnt' the right option for me, I never had any guilt about feeding her formula, not at all. But with Bryce, I had decided to try, and then he was born early, and then he was in the NICU. I tried for 2 1/2 weeks, by the end of that time, I was crying all the time and was dreading him crying because I knew he was hungry again. I was miserable, and so was he, so I stopped. He started formula and started gaining weight super fast, he was sleeping better and was just generally more content. It seems that we made the right decision, however why am I sitting here 2 months later still completely racked with guilt and beating myself up, telling myself that if I had been stronger we would have worked through the bad and we'd all be happy right now and we wouldn't be spending gobs of money on formula, etc. I wanted it to be a good experience for us both, I wanted it to be a bonding time with my boy, but it wasn't and I can't help but feel like it is my fault. It seems like it comes so naturally to some people so I wonder what is wrong with me that it didn't come naturally. This is just one of the many things I dwell on when things don't seem to be going well. Do you (all two of you that read my blog :)) have a certain thing that you dwell on when you have a bad day? Or am I the only one that does crazy stuff like this?

my sweet boy...

How is it possible that he is 2 months old already? He is growing so much every day, it is amazing to me. He really is a good baby. For the last week to week and a half he has slept from about 10 until 6. It is a marvelous thing! He is smiling and laughing and just generally in a good mood most of the time. He follows Bob and I with his eyes as we walk around the room and laughs and smiles at Brianna when she gets in his face (which is quite often). He slept through his entire baptism ceremony even when the water was poured on his head, not a peep out of him. As the deacon said "he is going to be a good Catholic, whenever an ordained person comes near him he falls asleep!" I'm excited to watch him as he grows and as his personality develops. I wonder if he will have Bob's athletic ability or my love of books, if he will laugh at things he has seen a million times like his dad does or if he will get quiet when he is angry, like I do. I'm excited to see the person he is going to become. I'm so lucky to be along for the ride!

my girl...

After just coming in from a nice stroll to the store I was sitting down to write out Thank-you's for Bryce's baptism and felt compelled to write a post about Brianna.

Oh this girl, what can I say about her that I haven't been for the last 3 1/2 years? She is the sweetest most difficult girl I know. She says things that leave me with my mouth hanging open wondering where and the world she comes up with this stuff. She loves to draw and color, sing and dance. She is our little drama queen. She is growing right before my very eyes, and at times she is so challenging that I pray to just get through the day without losing it. Because this girl, well she really knows how to push my buttons. She acts and speaks beyond her years so often that I tend to forget that she is only 3. I'm not using that as an excuse, sometimes she is downright awful and her age is no excuse, but I know that I expect a lot from her and it is somewhat unfair at times. She is beautiful and confident, so much so that at times I wonder if she is really my child. (and then she'll do something that is distinctly me and I no longer wonder :)) She is so sweet (most of the time) and I think genuinely does feel bad when she does something wrong, she says she is sorry when she hurts someone's feelings and she will hug you and tell you not to cry if you are. She is my girl, and I love her will all of my heart, I was meant to be her mom. And in those good days I know that I'm doing something right, and in those bad days all I can say is..."I'm sorry mom and dad!" and know that they are laughing and enjoying every minute of it.

so tired...

Baptism pictures are uploaded. Will write more about the weekend when I'm not soo tired. Enjoy.

why can't i do that?

Yes, I know I'm much bigger than she is and I wouldn't really fit there, but more generally, I'm talking about sleep. Yes, I sleep, but it is not something that generally comes easy to me. Brianna is just like Bob in that she can fall asleep at the drop of a hat (although she frequently chooses not to, why she chooses not to is beyond me, sleep is wasted on the young). In college, I would be coming home from a party...err...I mean the library (hi mom!) and walk by the window to the suite of our building where Bob lived (he lived on the floor directly below me, in fact in the room directly below mine...not that that has anything to do with this story)anyway, I would walk by and see Bob stretched out on 2 or 3 chairs (wooden with very little padding) with his textbook on the floor, his head hanging off the chair and his arm hanging limply over the side, sound asleep. He has done this several times at my parent's house too watching TV in the kitchen stretched out on kitchen chairs. Seriously, who can sleep like that? He has been known to fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, or even (my favorite) in the middle of playing a board game. He can lay down and shut his mind off and he falls into blissful sleep. Obviously his daughter has inherited that, because well...just look at her. I'm sure Bryce will be the same way, he can't even stay awake to eat. :) And then there is me.

I try to go to bed at a reasonable, even early time and I lay there, mind racing. It is almost as if during the day I can keep busy enough to keep my brain occupied and keep some of the garbage that clutters my mind at bay. But as soon as my head hits the pillow it all rushes back. I think about the craziest stuff, things I can't control but I wish I could, I make plans in my head that sometimes actually get followed, but sometimes forgotten until the next night when I try to sleep.

When I was working at Lake I would think about something that I couldn't figure out during the day, but usually it would come to me laying in bed or at least a new angle to try. Now that isn't an issue, but there is always some other problem that needs to be solved and while most of the time I don't find the answers, every once in a while I have a stroke of genius and then I get too excited to sleep (it is a never ending battle) Then there is usually a period where I think of everyone I miss, specifically my grandpas, how it seems that so much time has passed, but the hurt is still very much there. I pray (a lot) and thank God for the countless blessings in my life, even when it seems like things are going wrong, when I really stop to look I am so very lucky.

I think about money, time that I wish I had, time that had passed me by, and a large part of what I think about is how I failed during the day. How I didn't spend enought time with Brianna, how she watched too much TV, how I didn't cuddle with Bryce enough, how the house still isn't clean, how I didn't get to the gym, and the list goes on. I vow to try harder tomorrow, to spend more time, to have more patience, to cuddle more and yell less, but it seems like at the end of the day, I always have way more in my "fail" column than in my "success" column. (and there I go failing at my vow to be more positive :))

You would think that instead of laying there thinking of all the things I need to do I would just get up and do them, but I always think if I just lay here one more minute I'll fall asleep. And then I look over at Bob who has been sleeping for hours and I get angry. I know it's not his fault and I'm really not angry at him, I'm angry at myself for not being able to turn it all off.

So, I guess I'm off to try to sleep (yes I actually crawled in bed at 7pm tonight...it was a long day) and now everyone else has been sleeping for hours and here I sit.

Wishing you all peaceful sleep...(which you are probably getting now after reading this post! I tend to ramble and make no sense when I'm tired as well...have you noticed?)

claire update...

Little Claire has relapsed. I'm tearing up even typing those words. Sarah and Nathan are two of the strongest people I know and their faith is amazing. I know that they will get through this. Every day I pray that God will take care of them, I have always believed that things happen for a reason, that there is a plan. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers, and if you don't pray, whatever you do in situations like this, please do it. Sarah left me a message last month when Bryce was in the NICU offering encouragement and she wrote something that has stuck with me, she said that it is hard to not be able to heal our children with our own hands, but God's hands can and will heal them.

monday afternoon project...

Yesterday I was reading through my blog list and read Jodie's post on a Valentine's Day craft. I have been looking for something to do with Brianna that wouldn't take tons of time because I have at best 2 hours between Bryce's feedings (that is if he goes to sleep after he finishes his bottle). I thought this looked like fun, so after lunch Bryce was taking a nap and I sent Brianna upstairs to do the same (of course she didn't nap, but did play quietly), and got the stuff ready to do this project. I grated the crayons and decided I was going to try to do a heart-shaped wreath using the kids' handprints instead, so I cut out the heart that we would glue the handprints onto. After nap time Brianna was very excited to work on the project so I let her sprinkle the crayon shavings onto the wax paper and she kept saying "that's cool!" when I ran the iron over them. After they were done I set out cutting out handprints (and footprints in Bryce's case, have you ever tried to trace a 2-month-old's hand...not easy my friend). This process took far too long in Brianna's opinion, she just wanted to glue. Anyway, here is the end result, not fantastic, but still cute and of course still hung up on our wall!

weekend update...

Whew..is it Tuesday already? Man, where does the time go? Since I've been home with the kids it seems like the minutes/hours go slowly, but the days/weeks fly by.

Anyway, this past weekend we had a great relaxing and fun weekend. Friday night I went out to dinner with a couple of friends and to a movie (Marley & Me) the movie was fantastic, if you go to see it, remember your tissues! Saturday I decided to take Brianna to watch a dance competition. (My friend Amanda's sister Steph is the coach of the Lake Park dance team and they were competing). We got there about 9am, just in time to see Lake Park perform their first routine. They were fantastic! Brianna sat so still just watching and clapping, it was adorable. After a while, while we were watching the hip hop competition, she starting dancing in the bleachers and pretty much hasn't stopped dancing around the house since. She even says to me "I want to be a dancer". What a kid. We got home about 3 Saturday afternoon and relaxed for the rest of the day. Saturday night, Brianna crawled in bed with me and we both read and then she fell asleep book in hand. As Bob likes to frequently say "she is my daughter" because most nights you can find me just like this.

love-hate...

I have a total love-hate relationship with...the gym, more specifically...the stairmaster. The gym is one of those things that, once I am there...I love being there. I love pushing myself just to see how far I can go, I love that it is time just for me. I can put my headphones in, crank up the music and run, walk, climb, or pedal until everything is gone from my head. And sometimes, I can actually read a book while I'm working out and not feel guilty for reading because there are so many other things I should be doing. Yesterday I read half a book while riding the recumbant bike...HALF a book, in an hour...no interruptions..

Anyway, back to my point, I love the gym once I'm there...but I hate getting there. Granted it is pretty much my only way out of the house these days, but getting my gym clothes on and out the door pretty much takes all my willpower these days. I've been through this before, I know that the more I work out the more energy I have and the less I'll be tired, but before getting to that point I know I'm going to be sore and really tired, I'm not sure I have the strength to battle through the bad part again.

In reality, I should have been working out all through my pregnancy, I had ambitions to gain no more than 25lbs. HA! Through week 18 I gained only 5lbs. At my 22 week appointment I gained 9lbs. NINE! and the rest of the pregnancy pretty much continued along those lines. I did nothing differently, I ate the same things as I did at the begining of pregnancy, but I just kept gaining weight. Granted, I was definitely lazy and didn't activly try to keep my weight down, except for watching what I ate. Then Bryce was born and he only weighed 5lbs 7oz....I gained 43lbs. Seriously, how does that happen?

(Wow, this is becoming a very scattered post...back to my point...I swear)

Last week I made my first trip to the gym since Bryce was born. It was packed, because I got there at 5pm (worst time ever to work out). Pretty much the only thing open was the stairmaster. When I first joined the gym I wondered why it looked like people were going so slow on the stairmaster, I mean...it is just stairs right, how hard can it be. And then I used it for the first time....holy hell, I wanted to die after about 2 minutes. After a while, I could do an hour on the stairmaster without wanting to die. It wasn't easy, but I could make it through and burn a decent amount of calories doing it. So last Tuesday I hopped up on the stairmaster and set it for 30 min, I figured I could do that...I couldn't possibly be that out of shape. WRONG! The machine started, my heart rate shot up and I was sweating and then I looked down at the timer, all of 2 minutes had passed. I pushed my way through 15 minutes...but no way could I go 30.

I love the stairmaster because it is a great workout that burns a good amount of calories, but I hate that every minute on it feels like an hour. I hate how it makes me feel when I'm on it, but love how I feel when I actually make it through an entire workout.

Our new insurance gives a $20 credit for my gym membership if I go at least 12 times/month. I have to go 10 more times before the end of the month to get my credit (yes, that is almost every day), so you can bet the stairmaster and I will be seeing a lot of each other in the near future. I just need to push through this initial frustration and anger...I worked really hard to lose this weight the first time, I don't want to have to lose it again, but I do and I will and hopefully sooner rather than later I'll be back to pre-baby weight and then I can work on all the rest of the weight that has been hanging around for far too long. To be honest,as much as I hate having to lose this weight again, I'd do it in a heartbeat for this little man.

new year, new baby, new look...

I still don't know if I'm completely satisfied with the new look or the name yet, so I'm open to suggestions if you have any. I'm trying to give myself a daily reminder to appreciate the small things. Anyway, I'll try to write something of substance at another time, but for now, let me know how you like the new look, I was trying to simplify...I strive to make things as simple as possible these days...ha...I don't think it is working because instead of using one of bloggers templates which would have changed up the look in about 5 minutes, I had to find a template and then mess around with it to get it to my liking (or at least to an acceptable point). I guess there is always tomorrow to try to simplify things. I'll be back to write about my rekindled love hate relationship and more about the kids (of course), but for now I'm off to watch 24 with the hubby.

claire...

Please if you have time say some prayers for little Claire. If you are unaware of who Claire is, she is the 1 year old daughter of my high school classmate and friend. Last year she was diagnoised with cancer, her first round of treatment went well, but it seems now she needs some more prayers. Go here to read for yourself and please keep that beautiful little girl in your prayers.
Thanks everyone!

quick post...

Hello all...just wanted to write a quick post to update you on Bryce's check up that he had last Thursday. He is doing very well, eating like a champ (now that he is on formula) and as of last Thursday he weighs 8lbs 10.5oz! We were shocked. We knew he had put on weight...but were amazed by those numbers. He is in the 15th percentile for his age, so he is still on the small side, but he's catching up. I know I have much to update and pictures to upload...I hope to maybe get the pictures uploaded tonight (no promises). I actually do have a lot to write about but just haven't had time to put down any coherent thoughts. Plus I'm hoping to get a new look to this little blog in the near future as well. Stay tuned...but until then...here is a picture of the kids from today.