memories...

Isn't it crazy how our minds work?  I can't remember most of what happened yesterday, but I can tell you what happened six years ago today with amazing clarity.  I was pregnant, lying in bed having just talked to my mom on the phone.  You see, seven weeks before this very day (1.31.2005) my grandpa (her dad) was diagnosed with lung cancer.  This disease, in my grandpa, did everything completely the opposite of the way it "typically" does.  It "usually" responded well to treatment and grew slowly, it definitely did neither of those in his case.  Things were not good.  The phone rang as I was lying in bed...and I immediately started to cry...I knew who was on the other end and what the news was.  I don't even think Bob said the words.  I called my boss and told her I wouldn't be in for a few days.  I restlessly tried to sleep.  The next morning (it was a Tuesday) I had a doctors appointment scheduled and we were going to have an ultrasound to make sure the baby was doing OK.  I was on pins and needles anyway because of my previous miscarriage and when they took me back to the exact same room that the doctor gave us that devastating news less than six months earlier I felt my heart sink for an instant, but after that instant I knew I had an angel watching over me and my baby.  That while my grandpa wouldn't get the chance to meet his first great-grandchild on this earth he was protecting us.  When I saw that little heartbeat on the screen, I cried...I felt angry, sad, cheated, happy and hopeful all at the same time.  To say I was a mess of emotions is an understatement.  On the flip side of that, I also am lucky enough to remember the sound of his laughter, the way he looked when he smiled and most of all the love he always surrounded us with.  So today, even though I remember that exact moment six years ago...I'm choosing to remember his laughter and his smile and to let myself still feel surrounded by his love.