Monday, November 22, 2010

when i knew...

**I guess I will publish this today since I did accidentally and it is showing up in my google reader, I guess it was a sign to just publish and stop overthinking it!**

A lot of people I know are pregnant or have recently had babies, this got me to thinking about how I knew I was ready to have kids.  I know the exact moment it happened. 
I have always wanted kids, anyone that knew me for more than 10 minutes knew that.  It is the one thing I have always wanted.  After Bob and I got married, I knew I still wanted kids, but the question was when.  I didn't feel ready right after we got married, I wanted to enjoy married life, and quite selfishly I enjoyed only taking care of myself.  About a year after we were married we were surprised to find out we were expecting.  I will be honest, it was a mixed bag of emotions for me.  I was happy, excited...but really really scared.  I didn't know if I was ready.  I still felt like a kid, so how would I be able to take care of a baby.  I am terrible with secrets, so during the time we weren't telling anyone I withdrew.  I didn't talk to my mom or sister as much, I was shorter with friends.  All because the one thing that was occupying all of my mind I couldn't talk about.  We did tell our parents and siblings before we went for our first doctor's visit, but asked them to keep it quiet until after we had our initial visit.  Our first visit didn't yield exactly what I thought it would, the baby was measuring smaller than it should have and there was no visible heartbeat, the doctor wanted us to come back in a week, because it was possible the baby was just to new/small to see the heartbeat yet, but by the next week it should be visible.  At the next appointment there was still no heartbeat, and we heard the devastating news that I had had a miscarriage.  The doctor wanted to see us back in 2 weeks, I had to get out of the office so Bob stayed to make the appointment.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  I still (6 years later) remember every single detail of that appointment, what the room looked like, how it smelled, the exact words the doctor said.  Needless to say the next few months were very rough for us, lots of wondering and what-ifs.  So, yes, I know the exact moment I knew when I was ready to have was the exact moment that I found out our baby was gone.  That year we bought a Christmas ornament that says "snow  fun without you" and on the back it says Baby Carroll 2004.  Each year as I hang that ornament I get a little sad, but it makes me feel even more that our angel is a part of our family.  It has been six years and two kids, but I still wonder how our family would be different if the miscarriage had never happened.  I look at my two babies and know that my first angel hand picked them and sent them to me, that my family is exactly the way it was meant to be, but there is still an ache left in my heart.

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