Monday, September 21, 2009

loss for words...

So, I have this problem where when I am stressed about something or have something that really occupies my mind almost every second of every day I only talk to my mom or my sister and I kind of shut everything and everyone else out. With both pregnancies (NO I am not pregnant) I would go weeks without having a phone conversation with anyone and would have little to nothing to say to my mom and sister before we told them. It was the only thing occupying my mind...I didn't have anything else to talk about. The same goes with writing here. I can't (or won't) write about some things and I want this to be an honest blog and our life is not all sunshine and roses so I can't pretend that it is so when I am having trouble putting together the pieces I tend to neglect this little space. I'm being very cryptic, aren't I? I'm just struggling (nothing major...just life) and I read this post of Jodie's or this one of Abbie's and I think...YES that is totally how I feel...except the problem is...I don't even know what my passion is. I don't have that one thing that feeds my soul and makes I have spent my whole life being someone's something, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mom...I laugh because I even get introduced as so-and-so's friend or Bob's wife, even to people I've encountered is like I don't exist without being attached to someone else. And while I love all the roles I play in my life...I think I just want to know that there is something that is uniquely me. The one thing I always knew I wanted in my life was kids, anyone who has talked to me for more than 5 minutes since the time I was probably 16 is quite aware of that. And my kids and my husband are everything to me, I am thankful for every day that I have with them and I know how incredibly lucky I am, but there will come a time where the kids don't need me as much (I already see it happening) and then what will I be left with? I know I will always be their mom, but eventually I won't be dealing with day-to-day aspects of their lives (at least I hope I won't :)
Maybe it is this impending birthday and turning 30, maybe it is just because things aren't going as smoothly right now as I would like, but something in me is wanting that something that I am passionate about something that feeds my soul and makes me better at all the roles I have in my life and love. The question do I find it?

(I promise to all 3 of you that read here :), nothing serious is going on, Bob and I are fine, the kids are fine...just the regular struggles of life and kids, etc. Things will get better, they are getting just weighs heavily on me right now)


Holly said...

Sending hugs to you!! I totally know how you feel. I went through ALOT of "what should I do with myself" type thoughts/moments since having kids. And until the photography thing sort of fell in my lap, I was feeling very unfulfilled even though I had a great husband and kids. Keep searching, you'll find it! You'll find something outside of Bob and the kids that gives you that extra something that makes your day/life even better! Hang in there!

Dawn said...

Hugs from here too! Sorry that you're feeling bummed...I hope things start falling into place and you find your passion. :) {I think Minus Six groupie could be right up there on the list! Speaking of... any thoughts on Fri 2nd yet?

Sarah Weipert said...

Hey you,
So...I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, I think this is a common emotion for a stay-at-home mom. What a blessing to be able to raise our kids and take care of a home we are so lucky to have. But is it hard to find purpose outside of four walls. My second thought, at the risk of sounding a little preachy, is this: God wants us uncomfortable. When we get comfortable, we get complacant and we stop working and striving and struggling. We are not meant to be comfortable in this life. So, here is my thought. Maybe you are being told you should work on your relationship with Him in order to better understand your purpose. Could you work on your spiritual journey...a bible study, reading the bible (I have started in the new testament I purchased "The Message". It is a modern translation and much easier to understand). Anyway, just a couple of thoughts...maybe I am way off.
Much love to you. I will pray for your peace.