more prayers...

Just a quick note to ask you all to pray for another little girl we know. Bob plays volleyball and softball on his work team and through this we have gotten to know a couple who has a little girl who will turn 3 in April. Her name is Ashley and she and Brianna have become friends and enjoy running around together at the games. In early December Ashley was diagnosed with leukemia. In mid-January (I think) she went into remission, but has to have intensive chemo once a week until Halloween. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well as little Claire (there is a link to her caringbridge site on the left, if you want to keep up to date on her).

And with that I'm going to give you a link to my sister's Relay For Life donation page. As many of you know, we do the relay in Dyersville, Iowa every August. This year in addition to that my sister is getting involved in the Relay for Life in Wentzville, MO. If you can give, please do.

Health and love to you all.

happy valentine's day...

We are having a very low-key Valentine's day, hanging out at home, Bob is cooking dinner and I made dessert. Brianna has a bit of a cold, and we're both feeling a little burnt out still from having everyone last weekend and the mad rush of cleaning we did last week. Although it was completely worth it, but we need some time to recooperate now! :) My wonderful husband had flowers and candy sitting on the kitchen table when I woke up this morning, and after he got home from playing basketball I ran out to get him a card (nice planning huh). Brianna went with me and we wandered around Barnes and Noble for a while and then headed to Target. We got home and I started to work on our dessert and Bob and the kids took a nap (or at least he and Bryce took a nap).

Wishing you all a Valentine's Day filled with love and family, or at the very least, chocolate and dessert!

In my next life I aspire to be a pastry chef! :)

v-day crafts...

On our walk to Walmart on Tuesday I bought some construction paper and some foam letters/hearts/flowers. So yesterday after "naptime" (in which there were no actual naps that took place, but instead some quiet playing) we made and decorated some hearts. Other than a few foam pieces that the back didn't come off of well, it was an easy project that made Brianna happy because she got to use "stickers". As a side note I also bought her a pad of paper to draw in and by Wednesday afternoon she had drawn on every single page. She is our crazy little artist, always wanting to do projects, so I'm hoping the creative part of my brain starts working soon so we can have fun (hopefully inexpensive) things to do in the afternoons. Here are some pictures of our creations. (yes I made some too, what can I say...I love construction paper and stickers too! :))

thanks...

Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind comments about my post yesterday. I think I was just having a serious case of "mommy guilt" for whatever reason that day. I think some of it is just being cooped up in the house, but we're trying to get out when the weather is nice enough. I think I'm just frustrated with myself and thinking of anything I can to beat myself up more. BUT...I'm trying to take positive steps towards changing the negativity that consumes so much of my thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks.

baptism...

Bryce was baptized this past weekend at St. John the Evangelist church. It was a nice little ceremony with 2 other babies being baptized. The deacon that officiated is a very nice and energetic man and is very easy to listen to. He also explained a lot about the sacrament which was very nice. He had all the kids that were there come up and help to bless the water. It was very sweet and the kids really enjoyed it. Bryce slept through the whole thing. (Come to think of it, I believe Brianna also slept through her entire baptism.) My brother-in-law Nick and Brian's girlfriend, Mary, agreed to be Bryce's Godparents. We were very happy that they agreed, we are certain they are the two best people for the job! :) We had a small lunch/party here at the house after baptism and it was great to have everyone here. My parents brought my grandmas from Iowa and Angie and Nick and the boys made the trip from Missouri. Even Brian flew in from Florida. It was great to have everyone together and the day was perfect in every way. Thanks for all who where here to help us celebrate! We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family!

2 months...

Last night was Bryce's 2 month checkup.
As a side note, his appointment was at 8pm. Does anyone else's peditrician's take appointments that late, Bob said there was another appointment available at 8:40, that just seems so late. It was 9pm before we got out of there.
Anyway, he had his checkup and all looks good. He weighs 11lbs 8oz and is 22 3/4 inches long. Both of those are in the 34th percentile for his age. His head is still on the small side but the doctor said, he looks fine and maybe the only thing to keep an eye on is his development (which is fine for his age right now). He said that his head looked fine for his body and didn't seem concerned, so I am not. :) He was impressed with Bryce's sleeping habits. For the last 2 weeks or so he has been sleeping at least 8 hours a night, hopefully I didn't just curse us by typing that! The doctor also commented on how laid back Bryce was, he got through the whole exam without any fussing or even a whimper. He just let the doctor do his thing and was just looking around at everythign. Brianna was a pretty laid back baby as well although she is pretty high strung now! :) Bryce had 2 shots (it used to be more but they've combined a couple of the vaccines now) and some drops/vaccine for rotovirus. Which by reading Jodie's experiences with that, I will gladly give Bryce something to keep that out of my house (I don't know where the exact posts for it are, but look through her archives, you'll read good stuff and see excellent pictures in the process!) ! He of course cried with the shots, but recovered pretty well. He wants to be held a little more today, but that is fine by me :) Soon enough he won't even want to give me a hug so I'll take all the snuggling I can get right now.

Funny story about the nurse who gave Bryce the shots. She came in and introduced herself and Brianna said "it is nice to meet you". Sue (the nurse) looked at her and said "did you just say nice to meet you?" she laughed and then proceeded to talk to Brianna for the rest of the time. Brianna told her all about her doctor kit that she has and asked about the shots Bryce was getting. Then she (Brianna) looked at Bryce and said "Buddy, you were VERY good!" That child never ceases to amaze me.

days like these...

Every now and then I have a day where it seems like everything goes wrong. From the moment I get up until the moment I go to sleep. It is those days where I feel like I have failed, failed my children, failed my husband, failed myself. Those days I think back on everything and can only find fault in everything I have done. Lately a lot of those things come back to the 2 months since Bryce was born. And one of my biggest sources of guilt with him, breastfeeding. I had decided since I was going to be home with the kids after he was born to give it a shot. With Brianna I went back to work so early and just knew that wasnt' the right option for me, I never had any guilt about feeding her formula, not at all. But with Bryce, I had decided to try, and then he was born early, and then he was in the NICU. I tried for 2 1/2 weeks, by the end of that time, I was crying all the time and was dreading him crying because I knew he was hungry again. I was miserable, and so was he, so I stopped. He started formula and started gaining weight super fast, he was sleeping better and was just generally more content. It seems that we made the right decision, however why am I sitting here 2 months later still completely racked with guilt and beating myself up, telling myself that if I had been stronger we would have worked through the bad and we'd all be happy right now and we wouldn't be spending gobs of money on formula, etc. I wanted it to be a good experience for us both, I wanted it to be a bonding time with my boy, but it wasn't and I can't help but feel like it is my fault. It seems like it comes so naturally to some people so I wonder what is wrong with me that it didn't come naturally. This is just one of the many things I dwell on when things don't seem to be going well. Do you (all two of you that read my blog :)) have a certain thing that you dwell on when you have a bad day? Or am I the only one that does crazy stuff like this?

my sweet boy...

How is it possible that he is 2 months old already? He is growing so much every day, it is amazing to me. He really is a good baby. For the last week to week and a half he has slept from about 10 until 6. It is a marvelous thing! He is smiling and laughing and just generally in a good mood most of the time. He follows Bob and I with his eyes as we walk around the room and laughs and smiles at Brianna when she gets in his face (which is quite often). He slept through his entire baptism ceremony even when the water was poured on his head, not a peep out of him. As the deacon said "he is going to be a good Catholic, whenever an ordained person comes near him he falls asleep!" I'm excited to watch him as he grows and as his personality develops. I wonder if he will have Bob's athletic ability or my love of books, if he will laugh at things he has seen a million times like his dad does or if he will get quiet when he is angry, like I do. I'm excited to see the person he is going to become. I'm so lucky to be along for the ride!

my girl...

After just coming in from a nice stroll to the store I was sitting down to write out Thank-you's for Bryce's baptism and felt compelled to write a post about Brianna.

Oh this girl, what can I say about her that I haven't been for the last 3 1/2 years? She is the sweetest most difficult girl I know. She says things that leave me with my mouth hanging open wondering where and the world she comes up with this stuff. She loves to draw and color, sing and dance. She is our little drama queen. She is growing right before my very eyes, and at times she is so challenging that I pray to just get through the day without losing it. Because this girl, well she really knows how to push my buttons. She acts and speaks beyond her years so often that I tend to forget that she is only 3. I'm not using that as an excuse, sometimes she is downright awful and her age is no excuse, but I know that I expect a lot from her and it is somewhat unfair at times. She is beautiful and confident, so much so that at times I wonder if she is really my child. (and then she'll do something that is distinctly me and I no longer wonder :)) She is so sweet (most of the time) and I think genuinely does feel bad when she does something wrong, she says she is sorry when she hurts someone's feelings and she will hug you and tell you not to cry if you are. She is my girl, and I love her will all of my heart, I was meant to be her mom. And in those good days I know that I'm doing something right, and in those bad days all I can say is..."I'm sorry mom and dad!" and know that they are laughing and enjoying every minute of it.

so tired...

Baptism pictures are uploaded. Will write more about the weekend when I'm not soo tired. Enjoy.

why can't i do that?

Yes, I know I'm much bigger than she is and I wouldn't really fit there, but more generally, I'm talking about sleep. Yes, I sleep, but it is not something that generally comes easy to me. Brianna is just like Bob in that she can fall asleep at the drop of a hat (although she frequently chooses not to, why she chooses not to is beyond me, sleep is wasted on the young). In college, I would be coming home from a party...err...I mean the library (hi mom!) and walk by the window to the suite of our building where Bob lived (he lived on the floor directly below me, in fact in the room directly below mine...not that that has anything to do with this story)anyway, I would walk by and see Bob stretched out on 2 or 3 chairs (wooden with very little padding) with his textbook on the floor, his head hanging off the chair and his arm hanging limply over the side, sound asleep. He has done this several times at my parent's house too watching TV in the kitchen stretched out on kitchen chairs. Seriously, who can sleep like that? He has been known to fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, or even (my favorite) in the middle of playing a board game. He can lay down and shut his mind off and he falls into blissful sleep. Obviously his daughter has inherited that, because well...just look at her. I'm sure Bryce will be the same way, he can't even stay awake to eat. :) And then there is me.

I try to go to bed at a reasonable, even early time and I lay there, mind racing. It is almost as if during the day I can keep busy enough to keep my brain occupied and keep some of the garbage that clutters my mind at bay. But as soon as my head hits the pillow it all rushes back. I think about the craziest stuff, things I can't control but I wish I could, I make plans in my head that sometimes actually get followed, but sometimes forgotten until the next night when I try to sleep.

When I was working at Lake I would think about something that I couldn't figure out during the day, but usually it would come to me laying in bed or at least a new angle to try. Now that isn't an issue, but there is always some other problem that needs to be solved and while most of the time I don't find the answers, every once in a while I have a stroke of genius and then I get too excited to sleep (it is a never ending battle) Then there is usually a period where I think of everyone I miss, specifically my grandpas, how it seems that so much time has passed, but the hurt is still very much there. I pray (a lot) and thank God for the countless blessings in my life, even when it seems like things are going wrong, when I really stop to look I am so very lucky.

I think about money, time that I wish I had, time that had passed me by, and a large part of what I think about is how I failed during the day. How I didn't spend enought time with Brianna, how she watched too much TV, how I didn't cuddle with Bryce enough, how the house still isn't clean, how I didn't get to the gym, and the list goes on. I vow to try harder tomorrow, to spend more time, to have more patience, to cuddle more and yell less, but it seems like at the end of the day, I always have way more in my "fail" column than in my "success" column. (and there I go failing at my vow to be more positive :))

You would think that instead of laying there thinking of all the things I need to do I would just get up and do them, but I always think if I just lay here one more minute I'll fall asleep. And then I look over at Bob who has been sleeping for hours and I get angry. I know it's not his fault and I'm really not angry at him, I'm angry at myself for not being able to turn it all off.

So, I guess I'm off to try to sleep (yes I actually crawled in bed at 7pm tonight...it was a long day) and now everyone else has been sleeping for hours and here I sit.

Wishing you all peaceful sleep...(which you are probably getting now after reading this post! I tend to ramble and make no sense when I'm tired as well...have you noticed?)