Friday, February 26, 2010

the joy...

I'll admit it, I've been in a funk...a monumental funk. I've been worried, wondering if there will ever be enough time, enough money, heck even a moment of quiet. I've been quick to anger and slow to let it go. I'm tired of the snow, the cold, the grey. I crave the sunshine, the fresh air, the trips to the park. I'm burnt out. I feel like this. But here I sit at 2am so overcome with joy that I have to write this post before I go to sleep. Normally, hearing a crying baby at 1am immediately makes me sigh and get just a tad bit angry. I know it isn't his fault, but when you're used to him sleeping through the night, it is hard. Anyway, tonight was really no different, I sighed got out of bed and picked him up. He had a dirty diaper. Seriously?? Changing a poopy diaper at 1am is no one's idea of fun. After I changed him, he was wide awake, so I tried to lay down with him on the futon, he of course, had other ideas and wanted to get down and play. Normally this would dance on my last remaining nerve, but tonight I let him down and he went to get a book. He brought the book back to me...we sat and looked at the book. He got to a picture of a dog and he looked at me and said "woof, woof" as he petted the dog. He got this huge smile on his face and then planted a big kiss on me. As I lay on the futon looking up at him and what was left of his mohawk saying woof, woof to himself and alternately giving me kisses...I felt this weight lift off of me and was so glad to just be in the moment with him. Knowing that if I had been angry when he woke up I would have missed this. Is this is what I'm missing while in my funk...just getting through my day without being in it...I mean really in it? Someday there will be enough money, enough time, and enough quiet and I will wish I had all of this back. I know in my head that this will happen, but it is hard to think about that while you're changing your 10th diaper of the day and filling your 100th cup of the day, and hearing mom for the 1 millionth time of the day. I am glad I had this little reminder today. The joy is right there waiting for me to see and enjoy. It is in these two faces.

I'm not saying that tomorrow will be perfect...we are definitely not all sunshine and roses around here, but you can bet even in the thick of it (for tomorrow at least)I'll see the joy. I thank God everyday for these two angels and for opening me up to feel the joy was just what I needed.The joy is all around us...we just have to let go and feel it.